And more funny cats...cuz I believe in over-sharing

And Again With The Funny Pics!

Cancel Your Credit Cards First! - This is Customer Service at it's Most Absurd

THIS IS PRICELESS!!!!

Cancel your credit card before you die.......... (Hilarious!)


Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but is now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January..'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???

(Priceless!!)

Actual Craig's List Ad

If the following is real or not, I don't care... it's funny.

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

Rebuilding In New Orleans

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer.......

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.


(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France , in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

4 Great Religious Truths

Four Great Religious Truths

During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Gay bars, gentlemen's clubs, porn stores, Hooters or the liquor store.

Simple Solution to Airport and Travel Security

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long

and expensive trial.

Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

And a second announcement, "We need a clean-up on aisle 5."

Works for me!

A VERY Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly,
he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied
'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!......................
That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. ...............
'Get your own blanket.'

After a moment of silence,
......................
he farted.

The End

Secret to Living a Long Life

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Signs For Pets and People

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline
attendance is not required..

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the
following message on the front door:


TO ALL
NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR
PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted
sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and
don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

Two Ladies in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But
instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died..

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

My daily workout

My Daily Workout

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
~~~~
Whew! What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

The Gift - For those who made New years Resolutions to Lose weight...

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

_______________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door.Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on
the stair monster.. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his
voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Father of The Year

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Words and Wit from The Washington Post

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
>> to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
>> alternative meanings for common words.
>>
>> The winners are:
>>
>> 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
>>
>> 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
>>
>> 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
>>
>> 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
>>
>> 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
>>
>> 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
>> absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
>>
>> 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
>>
>> 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
>>
>> 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
>> run over by a steamroller.
>>
>> 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
>>
>> 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
>>
>> 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
>> proctologists.
>>
>> 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
>>
>> 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
>> Yiddishisms.
>>
>> 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
>> when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
>>
>> 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
>> Jewish men.
>>
>> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
>> any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
>> changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
>>
>> Here are this year's winners:
>>
>> 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
>> bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
>> little sign of breaking down in the near future.
>>
>> 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
>> of getting laid.
>>
>> 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
>> subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>>
>> 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>>
>> 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
>> person who doesn't get it.
>>
>> 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
>> late.
>>
>> 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
>>
>> 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
>> credit.)
>>
>> 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
>> really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
>> like, a serious bummer.
>>
>> 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
>> consuming only things that are good for you.
>>
>> 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
>>
>> 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
>> when they come at you rapidly.
>>
>> 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
>> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
>>
>> 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
>> your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>>
>> 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
>> the fruit you're eating.
>>
>> And the pick of the literature:
>>
>> 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Cursing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.




Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.




Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?




Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.




Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!



Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.




Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project..
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem .



N umber 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?




Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.



Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?



Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.



Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.




Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.



Number14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.




Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.




Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.


Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?


Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck .


Thank You,

Human Resources

Don't Lie To Your Mother

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye..

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:

_____________________________________________________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle.. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner..

Love, Brian
____________________________________________________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
____________________________________________________

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

The Economy is so bad....

The economy is so bad that:


I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

Blonde Joke - Parking on Snowdays

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife were in listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"