As I See It: Socks For Turtles! The Fashion Uprising Begins!

by Abanna Cheshire

A perfectly brief but reasonable dissertation on why turtles should be required to wear socks...

In a nutshell...it's because of their distinct disregard of the importance of pedicures, which is why their feet are so ugly....
There is an aesthetically unpleasing factor in regards to the feet our friends, the turtles, due to their inability to utilize nail clippers. which is why they hide in their shells. This is the primary issue at the core of the turtle population's mass inferiority complex, and why they never leave their houses...they just carry them wherever they go. They are downright agoraphobic because of it. They live in a state of fear and shame, under an umbrella of ridicule. A colleague pointed out to me that their little portable houses don't even come close to covering their feet while in transit! As a result, their shame is perpetuated.

I'm taking up their cause and campaigning for socks for turtles! I shall not rest until every turtle has his or her choice of knee socks, ankle socks, or those footies with the little pom-pom balls on the backs!!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!? SOCKS FOR TURTLES!! WHEN DO WE WANT 'EM?!? NOW!!!!

NOTE: Fishnets and pantyhose will not be accepted as a compromise seeing as they do nothing to fix the problem since you can see through them. Plus the turtles would look tacky and/or cheap in them. I patently refuse to launch the careers of a bunch to turtle sluts.

In the immortal words of Patrick Henry (or someone like that) "GIVE THE TURTLES SOCKS, OR GIVE THEM DEATH!!"...Editor's note: this mantra was not very popular with the turtle population at large and therefore it has never really caught on. However, the sub-conscious manifestation of this is apparent in the repeated attempts at suicide by wandering around on back roads and highways trying to get run over.

The Turtle Fashion Diva has spoken! And throughout the land, with God as my witness, I swear that the turtles shall NEVER be barefoot again!!! At the very least, we should supply these poor creatures with tubes of foot cream and some nail polish.