THIS IS PRICELESS!!!!
Cancel your credit card before you die.......... (Hilarious!)
Now some people are really stupid!!!!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.
This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service
charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but is now somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January..'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.'
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank: 'That might help...'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'
Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
(Priceless!!)
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Actual Craig's List Ad
If the following is real or not, I don't care... it's funny.
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.
First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!
I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].
After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!
I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]
I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).
In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex
Saturday, January 29, 2011
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
Monday, June 14, 2010
Simple Solution to Airport and Travel Security
Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long
and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."
And a second announcement, "We need a clean-up on aisle 5."
Works for me!
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.
It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long
and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift. Case closed!
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.
Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."
And a second announcement, "We need a clean-up on aisle 5."
Works for me!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
My daily workout
My Daily Workout
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
You are invited to use my program without charge.
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
~~~~
Whew! What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.
Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
You are invited to use my program without charge.
01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck
06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head
11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles
16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire
21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
~~~~
Whew! What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Gift - For those who made New years Resolutions to Lose weight...
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
_______________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door.Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on
the stair monster.. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his
voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to
go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal
trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The
club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found
it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo
waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
_______________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the
door.Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into
the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on
the stair monster.. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed
as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't
help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking,
I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any
triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his
voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can
go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root
canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Friday, January 22, 2010
Words and Wit from The Washington Post
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions
>> to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
>> alternative meanings for common words.
>>
>> The winners are:
>>
>> 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
>>
>> 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
>>
>> 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
>>
>> 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
>>
>> 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
>>
>> 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
>> absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
>>
>> 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
>>
>> 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
>>
>> 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
>> run over by a steamroller.
>>
>> 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
>>
>> 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
>>
>> 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
>> proctologists.
>>
>> 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
>>
>> 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
>> Yiddishisms.
>>
>> 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
>> when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
>>
>> 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
>> Jewish men.
>>
>> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
>> any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
>> changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
>>
>> Here are this year's winners:
>>
>> 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
>> bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
>> little sign of breaking down in the near future.
>>
>> 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
>> of getting laid.
>>
>> 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
>> subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>>
>> 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>>
>> 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
>> person who doesn't get it.
>>
>> 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
>> late.
>>
>> 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
>>
>> 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
>> credit.)
>>
>> 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
>> really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
>> like, a serious bummer.
>>
>> 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
>> consuming only things that are good for you.
>>
>> 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
>>
>> 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
>> when they come at you rapidly.
>>
>> 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
>> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
>>
>> 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
>> your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>>
>> 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
>> the fruit you're eating.
>>
>> And the pick of the literature:
>>
>> 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
>> to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply
>> alternative meanings for common words.
>>
>> The winners are:
>>
>> 1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
>>
>> 2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
>>
>> 3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
>>
>> 4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
>>
>> 5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
>>
>> 6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
>> absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
>>
>> 7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
>>
>> 8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
>>
>> 9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
>> run over by a steamroller.
>>
>> 10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
>>
>> 11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
>>
>> 12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
>> proctologists.
>>
>> 13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
>>
>> 14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
>> Yiddishisms.
>>
>> 15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that,
>> when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
>>
>> 16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
>> Jewish men.
>>
>> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
>> any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
>> changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
>>
>> Here are this year's winners:
>>
>> 1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
>> bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
>> little sign of breaking down in the near future.
>>
>> 2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose
>> of getting laid.
>>
>> 3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
>> subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
>>
>> 4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
>>
>> 5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
>> person who doesn't get it.
>>
>> 6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running
>> late.
>>
>> 7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
>>
>> 8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
>> credit.)
>>
>> 9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these
>> really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
>> like, a serious bummer.
>>
>> 10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
>> consuming only things that are good for you.
>>
>> 11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
>>
>> 12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter
>> when they come at you rapidly.
>>
>> 13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
>> you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
>>
>> 14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
>> your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
>>
>> 15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in
>> the fruit you're eating.
>>
>> And the pick of the literature:
>>
>> 16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Cursing at Work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project..
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem .
N umber 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck .
Thank You,
Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project..
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem .
N umber 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck .
Thank You,
Human Resources
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The Economy is so bad....
The economy is so bad that:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Blonde Joke - Parking on Snowdays
One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife were in listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out.. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Thursday, January 7, 2010
SUMMER IS ALMOST HERE!
Summer's almost here in Illinois ... we can now see the deer moving around.
Yep, won't be long now ...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Mermaid Or Whale
Recently, in a large city in Australia , a poster featuring a young, thin
and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym:
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia , the
Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than
humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of
Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not
to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish
store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate
with my friends.
With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to
the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good
grief, look how smart I am!¨
and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.
It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym:
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia , the
Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than
humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of
Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not
to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish
store?
The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate
with my friends.
With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to
the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good
grief, look how smart I am!¨
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Santa Answers The kid's Letters Honestly
If Santa answered his mail honestly...
----------
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
----------
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Story Behind The 12 Days Of Christmas
We know of the song of the 12 days of Christmas. Below is the other
side of the story that everyone likes so much, from the recipients point
of view. As Paul Harvey would say.... and now, the rest of the story...
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please
stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just
lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you
rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole
side of the story that everyone likes so much, from the recipients point
of view. As Paul Harvey would say.... and now, the rest of the story...
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please
stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just
lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you
rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole
Monday, December 21, 2009
Santa's Ode
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days--they all are the pits.
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees,
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Twas The Night Before Christmas - alternative version
Twas The Night Before Christmas
(as if written by a technical writer for a firm that does US government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
(as if written by a technical writer for a firm that does US government contracting)
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.
His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."
Monday, December 14, 2009
A Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin
A Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin
Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow
Buttered rum and mistletoe
Christmas trees and hanging lights
The sound of carolers fills the night
Shopping hours long and hard
Visa phones and cancels card
Unpaid bills and mounting debts
Family gathers; depressions sets
Drinking starts, harsh words are said
Dysfunction rears its yuletide head
Argument turns to shovin'
Drunken brother punches cousin
Tree tips over, popping lights
Curtains catch, house ignites
No one hears the reindeer cries
Wedged in chimney, Santa dies
Though he kicked and did perspire
His chestnuts roasted on an open fire
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