Rebuilding In New Orleans

Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years.. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:

You have to love this lawyer.......

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.


(Actual reply from FHA):
"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
"Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France , in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus's expedition...Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana . God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?"

The loan was immediately approved.

Noah's Ark - the Modern Version

In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked, and I see the
end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along
with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"



"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to
the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.



"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!



"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Engineering In Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Answered Prayer?

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in
communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a
beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas
the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was
cheating on him and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and
asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem
and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even
believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every
happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.

Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above ...

"BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME."

In The Beginning

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then
created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.


God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.

Pecans & The Cemetery

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree,
out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One
for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding
along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come
here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the
Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one
for me...

The old man whispered,"Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid
on the bike.

Note: Origin of this story/joke is currently unknown. If you knoe the originator, please email the information to me I will gladly give credit.