Signs For Pets and People

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline
attendance is not required..

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the
following message on the front door:


TO ALL
NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR
PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted
sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and
don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

The Real Circle Of Life

> On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You
> must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
> farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
>
> The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me
> to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll
> give back the other forty."
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit
> all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
> comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty
> years."
>
> The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me
> ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed
> (sigh).
>
> On the third day God created the monkey. God said,
> entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
> give you a twenty year life span."
>
> Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty
> years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's
> what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat,
> sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.
> I'll give you twenty years."
>
> Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you
> what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back,
> and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave
> back. That makes eighty, okay?"
>
> "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
>
> So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep,
> play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothi ng; For the next forty
> years we slave in the sun to support our family; For the next
> ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
> And for the last ten years we sit in front
> of the house and bark at everybody.
>
> Life has now been explained