My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

Father of The Year

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

"Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Santa Answers The kid's Letters Honestly

If Santa answered his mail honestly...
----------
Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv bena gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How
about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least
HE can spell!
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for
is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love,
Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up
that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a
dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy
making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you
wanted to know.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.
Santa
----------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy
Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa
----------
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our
home?
Love,
Marky
Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house,
you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside
your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom
window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Kids Telling About The Ocean

Children Writing About the Ocean...

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Out of The Mouths of First-Graders

All of these are good, but the last one is just priceless!

1. Don't change horses...........until they stop running.

2. Strike while the............................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ....................termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but........................how?

6. Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty.

7. No news is.........................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a....................................Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new...........................math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......stink in the morning.

11. Love all,trust................................ me.

12. The pen is mightier than the...................... ......pigs.

13. An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's.......................pollution.

15. Happy is the bride who.....................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ...................................not much.

17. Two's company, three's ....................the Musketeers

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as.......................Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed................get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ................see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind................get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than......................................pregnant.

Leave it to the kids

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm Summer evening when a woman in the convertible Ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark Naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom! That lady Isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his Teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The Opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily Those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of The jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she Asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right Now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself In the women's locker room. When he was spotted, The room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing Towels and running for cover. The little boy watched In amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, Haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an Elementary school, I was interrupted by a little Girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at My uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'

'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report.

'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask The police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward Me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van In front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he Asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, Darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. '

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.

Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.

'I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he

fingered the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.

He picked u p the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear.'

Out Of the Mouths Of Babes...True Story

Publisher's Note: The following was shared with me by my friend Kim. Rachel is her daughter, and this is just priceless. I LOVE kid logic.

Today I offered to babysit my friends baby. She was in a jam and it was last minute. I was at school all day for the annual marthon. It is a fundraiser for the school. I new it would be hard to juggle a baby and my volunteer commitments but I have a problem with saying No.
Rachel was so excited about the baby being with us all day. At the end of the day I gladly returned the baby to his parents. Afterward Rachel said to me
"mom, I want a baby. Why cant you have one?" I said
"Well Rach, what do you want me to do go to walmart and buy one.:?" she said
"mom, you know you have to go to the hospital to buy a baby." okay so I said
"what kind of baby do you want?" ( I meant boy or girl) she said
"well anything except a chinese baby." (she has over heard me talking about adoption of Chinese babies.) I said "whats wrong with a Chinese baby?" she said.............
"Because do you realize how long it would take to teach it English? I mean, Im not going to learn Chinese just to speak to it."

The Eulogy

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.
But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband
died. And alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord,
they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you
think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Summary & truths Of Life....

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.. ..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . .. having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Everything U need to Know, Your mom taught you..

Subject: Love thy Mother

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE . "If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning
"

2.My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."

3.My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"

4.My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."

5.My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6.My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you 're in an accident."

7.My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."

8.My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."

9.My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."

11.My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a
tornado went through it."

12.My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

14.My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
your father!"

15.My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother taught me about RECEIVING . "You are going to get it when
you get home!"

18.My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19.My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"

20.My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

21.My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT . "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25.My mother taught me about JUSTICE "One day you'll have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like you

Making Relationships Last - Just ask the Kids!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
--Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
--Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
--Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married.
--Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on Whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
--Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids.
--Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
--Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
--Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
--Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. --Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
--Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
--Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
--Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
--Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
--Ricky, age 10

Dubbya and The Kids

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war.
> After his talk he offers question time.
> One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
> "Billy."
> "And what is your question, Billy?"
> "I have 3 questions.
>
> First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
> Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
> And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? "
>
> Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that
> they will continue after recess.
> When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right ---
> question time. Who has a question?"
> Another little boy puts up his hand.
> George points him out and asks him what his name is.
> "Steve"
> "And what is your question, Steve?"
>
> "I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support
> of the UN?
> Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
> Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
> Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
> And fifth, what the heck happened to Billy?"

The White Dot

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment
to find out something exciting and tell it to
the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found,
the first little boy the teacher called on walked
up to the front of the class, and with a piece of
chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard
and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a period," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is
so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," he said, "but this morning
my sister was missing one. Mommy fainted, daddy
had a heart attack and the boy next door joined
the Navy".