Actual Craig's List Ad

If the following is real or not, I don't care... it's funny.

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan.. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,

Alex

Smart Advertising?

Okay, I am up in the middle of the night watching tv (as usual) and as I stare numbly at the screen a commercial for a certain sandwich making eatery has come on (I won't say the name of it, but it rhymes with frizz-nose). Nothing strange about that….or so I thought. Then they said something that I have yet to be able understand… “Our bread is specially made for toasting.”
Now, I went to college, but I guess I missed the class where they taught us about special breads for toasting. I was under the impression that all bread could be toasted. So…does the other sandwich company use toast resistant bread? If they do, then I must rise up and launch my objection. I mean, surely they don’t expect me to eat RAW toast!!!

Viagra Ad Slogans - Very Funny!

I recently was forwarded an email containing the following... and this sparked my vaguely yet eternally warped imagination and I was compelled to add some of my own (my additions are in red). Enjoy...and if you have any to add, by all means, drop them into the comments!

> The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!
>
> The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a
> spontaneous staff
> meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.
> (This is one pretty
> sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who
> understood the benefits
> of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the
> meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising
> slogans.
>
> The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans,
> originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight
> variations were acceptable.
>
> About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and
> created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of
> the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:
>
> 10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
>
> 9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
>
> 8. Viagra, like a rock!
>
> 7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there
> overnight.
>
> 6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.
>
> 5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
>
> 4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
>
> 3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!
>
> 2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
>
> And the unanimous number one slogan:
>
> 1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

The following are the ones I came up with...

Viagra - You've got the gusto now!

Viagra - when you care enough to give your VERY best.

Viagra - Just do it.

Viagra - So simple a caveman could do it.

Viagra: Don't leave home without it.

Viagra: Reach out and touch someone.

Viagra- When you've got it, flaunt it.

Viagra: A little pill will do ya.

Viagra: Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Viagra: Mmm mmm good!

Put a tiger in your tank.

Viagra - The capitalist's tool.

Viagra: We answer to a higher authority.

Viagra: Because you're worth it.

Betcha can't eat just one.

Good to the last drop.

It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

Viagra: For everywhere you want to be.

Here's the beef!


NOTE: If anyone knows of the original author of this, let me know and I will be happy to give credit!

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