The economy is so bad that:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
Showing posts with label economy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label economy. Show all posts
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Economic Stimulus Spending
If you didn't get an economic stimulus payment in 2008, you may be eligible to receive the recovery rebate credit in 2009. Just in case you get a check......
This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses
and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Instead, you can keep the money in America by --
1 spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2 going to baseball or football games, or
3 hiring prostitutes, or
4 buying cheap beer or
5 getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.
Conclusion --
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses
and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Instead, you can keep the money in America by --
1 spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2 going to baseball or football games, or
3 hiring prostitutes, or
4 buying cheap beer or
5 getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.
Conclusion --
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
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