And Again With The Funny Pics!

Dog Attacks Police Car - video

Signs For Pets and People

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON'T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline
attendance is not required..

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the
following message on the front door:


TO ALL
NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR
PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay
off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted
sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and
don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because
they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't smoke or drink,
(7) don't want to wear your clothes,
(8) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

The Pet Diaries

The Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
------------------------------------------
The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

The Real Circle Of Life

> On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You
> must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
> farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
>
> The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me
> to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll
> give back the other forty."
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit
> all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
> comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty
> years."
>
> The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me
> ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed
> (sigh).
>
> On the third day God created the monkey. God said,
> entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
> give you a twenty year life span."
>
> Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty
> years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's
> what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat,
> sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.
> I'll give you twenty years."
>
> Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you
> what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back,
> and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave
> back. That makes eighty, okay?"
>
> "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
>
> So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep,
> play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothi ng; For the next forty
> years we slave in the sun to support our family; For the next
> ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
> And for the last ten years we sit in front
> of the house and bark at everybody.
>
> Life has now been explained

The Chauffer, Hillary and the Dogs

Hillary Clinton and her chauffeur were cruising along a country road one
>evening when a mama dog and her pups ran in front of the car. The driver
>tried to avoid them but couldn't - the mama dog was killed, but all her
>pups were safe.

>
>Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners
>what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
>
>About an hour later, the chauffeur staggered back to the car with his
>clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive
>whiskey in one hand, an expensive Cuban cigar in the other and was smiling
>happily, smeared with lipstick.
>
>"What happened?" asked Hillary.
>
>"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me
>the whiskey, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to
>me."
>
>"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.
>
>The driver replied: " Excuse me, I said, I'm Hillary Clinton's chauffeur,
>and I need to tell you I just killed the bitch ......... never got a chance
>to explain the pups were safe...

Why Are Men Dogs? - Snakes are the Problem, not the Dogs

The question women ask is...

"Why is it that men are such dogs? They only want to have sex, watch sports and drink beer, and god forbid we ask for anything in return! I am not even looking for a relationship or anything, but couldn’t they at least introduce themselves before trying to bed me?"

I am confused. You see, you asked why men are dogs. You see, dogs are loyal and devoted. MEN are loyal, upstanding and devoted. GUYS on the other hand....that is a whole other kettle of fish....or, to be more accurate, pit of snakes. Guys are more like snakes, not dogs. Guys are not men, and that is the mistake that keeps getting made. They may have similar body parts, and such, but guys are not the loyal, loving, nurturing types that women seek, but they are usually the ones that women find.

The reason for this is that MEN are usually spending a nice evening with their lady (and they DO treat her like a lady), or spending quality time with their kids. They can rarely be found in bars and clubs, and if they are, they aren't tom-catting around looking for a quick peice of tail. They go home at a reasonable hour on week-nights, they remember birthdays and acknowledge them. They can keep a job for more than 3 months... they save for the future, they aren't afraid to show affection, but know that slipping their hand up your dress in public is not necessary, nor proper, and proves nothing positive about themselves.

I understand where your frustration is coming from ladies. I've had to rid myself of more than a hound or two in my time. But you must understand, when it comes to the "guys" we are talking about a species that wants to have sex BECAUSE they have a headache, or are nauseated, or are sleeping, or they are awake, or have been set on fire. They were made this way in order for the species to flourish, and "guys" have no idea that their impulses need to be controled.

Women, on the other hand, are designed to keep the rutting males from over-populating the planet, and we are generally comfortable with the idea of mating for life. This is not a bad thing. It’s a matter of balance. In this way, men and women complete each other.

As for guys not bothering to introduce themselves, take it as a compliment... you almost have to when you consider the source. They are looking for someone to mate with in the basic animal kingdom sense of the word. They hump, they leave, they don't expect to be caught up in the process of raising young ones, much less paying for them. It's a very base instinct. the good news is that some will eventually out-grow this, and grow up to become MEN.

Many guys have this fantasy of sleeping with a mysterious, beautiful woman who will “rock their world” and then, in the morning, she has disappeared in a cloud of mystery, asking for nothing in return. What guys fail to understand is that this is the stuff of which Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and the Easter Bunny are all made.

If a guy approaches you with these fantasies in mind, tell them that they have mistaken you for the Orgasm Fairy, and that they can find her in their dreams. To make sure they understand, pat them on their head (the one on their shoulders, otherwise you will completely confuse them) and speak to them in a very “pre-school teacher” voice and say only these four words…"Run along, little boy." If he is cute and has some sort of possible potential, you may add " When you are all grown up into manhood, try again".
In conclusion, MEN are dogs only in the best sense of the word. GUYS are snakes, and if you choose to keep one as a pet (so to speak) you should expect to the behaviors that come naturally to their species...and often, if you back them into a corner or make them feel trapped (even if it is just their misperception), expect them to either run away or to strike out at you in some fashion that you probably won't like. I have learned to be grateful for the ones who flee. They weren't right for me anyway...and they do less damage than the ones who strike. No woman should take a GUY too seriously.

A word of warning: IF YOU KNOW THAT HE IS A GUY, DO NOT MARRY HIM IN HOPES THAT IT WILL MAKE HIM A MAN! IT DOESN'T WORK!