Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project..
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem .
N umber 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck .
Thank You,
Human Resources
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Monday, January 18, 2010
Thursday, December 10, 2009
MEMO: Office Christmas Party
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd , starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd , starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Dear Employees - A Letter From Managment
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training..
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.
Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Monday, October 19, 2009
Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The WORST Day On The Job
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy!
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft . Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed ou t of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt..
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft . Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed ou t of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt..
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Rank Supervision - The Rise of The Butt-Monkeys
In everyone’s life there is an individual, maybe several individuals, who have been declared to be their superior. In most situations, this is a work related issue. There are also teachers and classmates, etc… So what is it about these people that make them superior? I mean, really. Chances are they aren’t better than you and or me. They put their pants on one leg at a time and all that. So what happened that not only put them ahead of you, but OVER you?
Some people say that it is a matter of them being very hard workers and very knowledgeable about their field. Alright. Now ask yourself if they know more than you do. Can they do the same thing that you can do, only better? In my experience, that is rarely the case. In fact, most of the supervisors I have had in my life were remarkably unimpressive people. I can think of two that were actually the real deal. As for the other supervisors, well, let’s just say I have yet to see what is so super about their vision. Most of them are “yes men/women”. They kissed the right ass, twisted things the right way, and usually lied about some aspect of what they are capable of, and they got promoted. This sort of thing leads me to believe and advocate the following theory: Very few people are superior to anyone else, they just rank higher. Success doesn’t come from having a title. It comes from how you execute the tasks special to that title. Few people live up to label of superiority.
How many times have you seen a manager of a group or department tell their minions (that’s how the “superiors” like to treat the people who work under them) to do a task and do it by a specific time, and you know full well that this asshole has no idea how to actually DO any part of the job she/he is demanding that you perform? I see it constantly. I have never worked in a place where this was not going on. The basic principle is this: "Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, administrate."
Understand that not all “supervisors” take this approach. There are those who actually find it helpful to know how to do the job that they are asking you to perform. This leads to a certain amount of respectability. If they have experience in the real world of what you are doing, it makes it easier for you to trust them. Alas, most managers and supervisors are not worthy of trust. In fact, of the ones I have met, I am not sure I would let any of them supervise my dog taking a dump. It has been said that lower and middle management are havens for incompetence. So far in my life, I have seen very little to refute this, except to say that it is true of upper management too.
Recently I was privy to observe the process of managers being selected and hired for a new department in the company that I work for. They managed to hire about two managers out of 12 that were actually truly management material. These two people are the only ones who actually know how to do the job at hand and have actually done it. They are both good at teaching and motivation. The others that were hired were people who to this day have no idea what they are doing or how they would go about doing any of the job that people who are working for them have to do. These people are not “supervisors”. The term “supervisor” is indicative of a measure of superior knowledge and ability. They posses neither. These people simply out rank the people that work for them. They are NOT anyone’s superior (at least, not in the workplace). They do, however imagine that they are somehow better than the people who work for them.
Apparently what makes you better than someone else is how much money they make and whether or not they are in a 6x6 cubicle or an 8x8 cubicle…and the worst ones are the ones who have been blessed with actual walls and a door. These psychos are the absolute horrors of the workplace. Somehow having walls and a door makes it legal for an individual to randomly bitch-slap their minions. And the bitch-slap is contagious. It gets handed off from the office, to the big cubicles, and then to the smaller cubicles. It is not unlike Ronald Reagan’s “Trickle Down” theory. The fat-cats dish something out and it rolls down hill until it gets to the lower level peons. By the time it hits those of us on the bottom of the ladder; it has been chewed, swallowed, passed through the digestive tract and shat out upon our heads. Which, by the by, is proof that shit really does roll down hill, and the biggest shits do manage to float to the top.
My personal favorite type of “supervisor” is the one that sits on their throne of greatness, knowing nothing (not unlike the British Monarchy or most of our governement officials). When you bring a problem to their attention, they handle it in the only way they know how…to drag you into their boss’ office saying that you have a bad attitude and are not a team player. I refer to these people as “Rank Supervisors”. You see, if something is wrong, or unfair, this is not something a rank supervisor is prepared to deal with in any way. And in order to justify their signature incompetence, they make sure that it looks like YOU are the problem. And you are the ONLY problem. If you would just do what they told you, then there would be peace in the Middle East , AIDS would be cured, global warming would be stopped, and events like Hurricane Katrina and 9/11 wouldn’t happen anymore. But since you aren’t a team player, well, the world has gone to hell in a hand-basket and you are clearly the one with a grip on the handle.
Never ever tell a rank supervisor that the people who work under them are not a team. In their mind, they have a team. They are the coach. And everyday that a report is generated in regards to their team is “game day”. Rank supervisors live in a special magic land. It is a kingdom called “Butt-Monkey” and you and the people you work with are to be their loyal subjects, known as the Butt-Monkians. Don’t try to reason with the ruler of Butt-Monkey by pointing out that no one on the team cares about anyone else, nor should you tell them that any team member is not doing their part. If you point out that there is anything not right with the “team”, the Rank Supervisor of Butt-Monkey will promptly take steps to have you silenced. If you should happen to offer a solution to the problem during the presentation of said issue, you will still be silenced. The Rank Supervisor will then proceed to bring it up in the next meeting they go to, and present the solution as their own idea. If you mention that you were the one who thought of it, they will silence you by saying something daft like, “Now, now, Little Butt Monkey, there is no ‘I’ in “Team”.” As much as you may want to, it is not in your best interest to reply “there is no ‘we’ either, but there is an ‘m’ and an ‘e’.” This response leads them into anger and they proceed to further target you. You are a trouble-making peon and it's not good for morale!
It is said that someday people will get what they deserve. Those of us who work under rank supervisors and live in the land of the Butt-Monkey, must have done something really shitty in a past life. So, until we can get passports to the Promised Land, we must all stand and salute the Butt-Monkey flag and sing the national anthem – “All Hail the Simian Ass!”
Some people say that it is a matter of them being very hard workers and very knowledgeable about their field. Alright. Now ask yourself if they know more than you do. Can they do the same thing that you can do, only better? In my experience, that is rarely the case. In fact, most of the supervisors I have had in my life were remarkably unimpressive people. I can think of two that were actually the real deal. As for the other supervisors, well, let’s just say I have yet to see what is so super about their vision. Most of them are “yes men/women”. They kissed the right ass, twisted things the right way, and usually lied about some aspect of what they are capable of, and they got promoted. This sort of thing leads me to believe and advocate the following theory: Very few people are superior to anyone else, they just rank higher. Success doesn’t come from having a title. It comes from how you execute the tasks special to that title. Few people live up to label of superiority.
How many times have you seen a manager of a group or department tell their minions (that’s how the “superiors” like to treat the people who work under them) to do a task and do it by a specific time, and you know full well that this asshole has no idea how to actually DO any part of the job she/he is demanding that you perform? I see it constantly. I have never worked in a place where this was not going on. The basic principle is this: "Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach, administrate."
Understand that not all “supervisors” take this approach. There are those who actually find it helpful to know how to do the job that they are asking you to perform. This leads to a certain amount of respectability. If they have experience in the real world of what you are doing, it makes it easier for you to trust them. Alas, most managers and supervisors are not worthy of trust. In fact, of the ones I have met, I am not sure I would let any of them supervise my dog taking a dump. It has been said that lower and middle management are havens for incompetence. So far in my life, I have seen very little to refute this, except to say that it is true of upper management too.
Recently I was privy to observe the process of managers being selected and hired for a new department in the company that I work for. They managed to hire about two managers out of 12 that were actually truly management material. These two people are the only ones who actually know how to do the job at hand and have actually done it. They are both good at teaching and motivation. The others that were hired were people who to this day have no idea what they are doing or how they would go about doing any of the job that people who are working for them have to do. These people are not “supervisors”. The term “supervisor” is indicative of a measure of superior knowledge and ability. They posses neither. These people simply out rank the people that work for them. They are NOT anyone’s superior (at least, not in the workplace). They do, however imagine that they are somehow better than the people who work for them.
Apparently what makes you better than someone else is how much money they make and whether or not they are in a 6x6 cubicle or an 8x8 cubicle…and the worst ones are the ones who have been blessed with actual walls and a door. These psychos are the absolute horrors of the workplace. Somehow having walls and a door makes it legal for an individual to randomly bitch-slap their minions. And the bitch-slap is contagious. It gets handed off from the office, to the big cubicles, and then to the smaller cubicles. It is not unlike Ronald Reagan’s “Trickle Down” theory. The fat-cats dish something out and it rolls down hill until it gets to the lower level peons. By the time it hits those of us on the bottom of the ladder; it has been chewed, swallowed, passed through the digestive tract and shat out upon our heads. Which, by the by, is proof that shit really does roll down hill, and the biggest shits do manage to float to the top.
My personal favorite type of “supervisor” is the one that sits on their throne of greatness, knowing nothing (not unlike the British Monarchy or most of our governement officials). When you bring a problem to their attention, they handle it in the only way they know how…to drag you into their boss’ office saying that you have a bad attitude and are not a team player. I refer to these people as “Rank Supervisors”. You see, if something is wrong, or unfair, this is not something a rank supervisor is prepared to deal with in any way. And in order to justify their signature incompetence, they make sure that it looks like YOU are the problem. And you are the ONLY problem. If you would just do what they told you, then there would be peace in the Middle East , AIDS would be cured, global warming would be stopped, and events like Hurricane Katrina and 9/11 wouldn’t happen anymore. But since you aren’t a team player, well, the world has gone to hell in a hand-basket and you are clearly the one with a grip on the handle.
Never ever tell a rank supervisor that the people who work under them are not a team. In their mind, they have a team. They are the coach. And everyday that a report is generated in regards to their team is “game day”. Rank supervisors live in a special magic land. It is a kingdom called “Butt-Monkey” and you and the people you work with are to be their loyal subjects, known as the Butt-Monkians. Don’t try to reason with the ruler of Butt-Monkey by pointing out that no one on the team cares about anyone else, nor should you tell them that any team member is not doing their part. If you point out that there is anything not right with the “team”, the Rank Supervisor of Butt-Monkey will promptly take steps to have you silenced. If you should happen to offer a solution to the problem during the presentation of said issue, you will still be silenced. The Rank Supervisor will then proceed to bring it up in the next meeting they go to, and present the solution as their own idea. If you mention that you were the one who thought of it, they will silence you by saying something daft like, “Now, now, Little Butt Monkey, there is no ‘I’ in “Team”.” As much as you may want to, it is not in your best interest to reply “there is no ‘we’ either, but there is an ‘m’ and an ‘e’.” This response leads them into anger and they proceed to further target you. You are a trouble-making peon and it's not good for morale!
It is said that someday people will get what they deserve. Those of us who work under rank supervisors and live in the land of the Butt-Monkey, must have done something really shitty in a past life. So, until we can get passports to the Promised Land, we must all stand and salute the Butt-Monkey flag and sing the national anthem – “All Hail the Simian Ass!”
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sex - Work or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
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