Four Great Religious Truths
During these serious and trying times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.
2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Gay bars, gentlemen's clubs, porn stores, Hooters or the liquor store.
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label religion. Show all posts
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, June 12, 2009
The Flying spaghetti Monster... My new Favorite Religion...
The Flying Spaghetti Monster...
The more you read about us, the more you're going to be persuaded that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the true creator and that FSMism is the Best. Religion. Ever. Go ahead, try us for 30 days. If you don't like us, your old religion will most likely take you back. Unless it's the Jains, whose feelings are easily hurt." - Bobby Henderson
"Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today's fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM's devout followers, aka Pastafarians? Some say it's the assuring touch from the FSM's Noodly Appendage. Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in Pirate-Speak and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church's flimsy moral standards, religious holidays EVERY Friday, and the fact that Pastafarian Heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano?"- The Gospel
This is the group for all of the Pastafarians out there who worship the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, or those who wish to convert to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, discover the truth about our creation, become a Pastafarian!!
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was 'ARRRRGH!'" - PIRATICUS 13:7
What do we stand for?
All that is good!!
What are we against?
All that isn't good!!
For more, here is a quick overview of Pastafarianism: http://www.venganza.org/flash/guidetopastafarianismpreloaded.swf
With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshippers, the Church of the FSM is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents - mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs.
Some claim that the church is purely a thought experiment, satire, illustrating that Intelligent Design is not science, but rather a pseudoscience manufactured by Christians to push Creationism into public schools. These people are mistaken. The Church of FSM is real, totally legit, and backed by hard science. Anything that comes across as humor or satire is purely coincidental.
The Gospel According to FMG
These are the direct words of our Noodly Creator from his Gospel:The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.
4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
A. Ending Poverty
B. Curing Diseases
C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.
7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
The more you read about us, the more you're going to be persuaded that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the true creator and that FSMism is the Best. Religion. Ever. Go ahead, try us for 30 days. If you don't like us, your old religion will most likely take you back. Unless it's the Jains, whose feelings are easily hurt." - Bobby Henderson
"Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today's fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM's devout followers, aka Pastafarians? Some say it's the assuring touch from the FSM's Noodly Appendage. Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in Pirate-Speak and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church's flimsy moral standards, religious holidays EVERY Friday, and the fact that Pastafarian Heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano?"- The Gospel
This is the group for all of the Pastafarians out there who worship the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, or those who wish to convert to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, discover the truth about our creation, become a Pastafarian!!
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was 'ARRRRGH!'" - PIRATICUS 13:7
What do we stand for?
All that is good!!
What are we against?
All that isn't good!!
For more, here is a quick overview of Pastafarianism: http://www.venganza.org/flash/guidetopastafarianismpreloaded.swf
With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshippers, the Church of the FSM is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents - mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs.
Some claim that the church is purely a thought experiment, satire, illustrating that Intelligent Design is not science, but rather a pseudoscience manufactured by Christians to push Creationism into public schools. These people are mistaken. The Church of FSM is real, totally legit, and backed by hard science. Anything that comes across as humor or satire is purely coincidental.
The Gospel According to FMG
These are the direct words of our Noodly Creator from his Gospel:The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.
2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.
4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
A. Ending Poverty
B. Curing Diseases
C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.
7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?
8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Religion...What's been Said Thus far....Something to think about
Take on Religion
NOTE: This is a list of quotes from all kinds of perspectives from multiple people. There is something here for almost everyone…please understand that the intent here is to just show what different people think. I am in no way saying that any of these are right or wrong, I just happen to find them interesting.
Dane Cook – “I was riding in an elevator and this guy got on with me, and as we are riding this guy sneezed…..after a second I looked at him and said, “Uh, God bless you,” but I said it with a tone that said “Cover your &*%$#!@ mouth”….now I said “God bless you” and not just “bless you” because, I’m not the Lord. I don’t have that kind of power.” So anyway, this guy looks at me like I’m garbage and says “I’m an atheist”. So I asked him, “What is it that you believe?” He says, well, I believe that when I die, I will be returned to the earth and make the ground fertile, and then some day a tree will take root and grow from that soil and I will become a beautiful tree.” And here is what I think of that…ok, you grow into a tree….then one day some big burly lumberjack comes along and chops down the tree, and it goes to the mill where they put that tree into grinder….eventually he becomes paper, and once he becomes paper….WE PRINT THE BIBLE ON HIM.”
Jim Gaffigan – “I like for everyone to feel comfortable, which is why I want to talk to you about Jesus…(and you’re all thinking) he better not! Wouldn’t it be awful if I got struck by lightening for that? The next day you’d be telling your friends, “He told a Jesus joke and got electrocuted. It was the BEST show I’ve ever seen”.”
Jim Gaffigan - Where did we get our ideas for celebrating Easter? Can you imagine…?
Person 1: “Hey, Easter is coming, the day the Lord was raised from the dead. What should we do?
Person 2: How about eggs?
Person 1: What does that have to do with Jesus?
Person 2: (Shrugging) All right, we’ll hide them.
Person 1: I don’t follow your logic.
Person 2: Oh, don’t worry. There’s a bunny.
Marc Maron: “…He died young, so he never really got the chance to become bitter. Suppose he hadn’t died young…let’s say there was a third testament to the Bible. Jesus is about 50 or 60 years old, he’s got one apostle left, the book would open with Jesus standing knee deep in water and yelling back at the shore to his one apostle “I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!”
Lewis Black Live -Every Sunday, I turn on the TV and there is always a preacher reading from the Old Testament, which is the book of my people….the Jewish people. And that book, wasn’t good enough for you Christians…was it? You said “No! We have a better book with a better character, you’re gonna love him!!!” But every Sunday there is a preacher reading from my book, and interpreting it. And their interpretations, I have to tell you, are usually wrong. You don’t see Rabbis on TV interpreting the New Testament, do you?--
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." --Voltaire "
"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn't be able to stop throwing up." Woody Allen, American comedian (born 1935)
With all of the scandals surrounding televangelists, they have decided that they need to come up with a new code of ethics for the televangelists. I thought the they had a code of ethics. It’s called the Bible! What ever happened to that? Do we really need to write down “Thou shalt not play the pirate and the slave girl in cheap motel rooms”? -Jay Leno, 1988.
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert EinsteinGod is subtle, but he is not malicious. -Albert Einstein.
Whenever morality is based on theology, whenever right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established. -Ludwig Feuerbach, philosopher (1804-1872)
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. -Anne Lamott, writer (1954- )
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)
When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt. -Robert T. Pirsig, author and philosopher (1928- )Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb
Lord, grant that we may always be in the right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds- Scottish prayer
If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz
Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure. (author unknown)
Black holes are where God divided by zero. – Steven Wright
All religions must be tolerated... for... every man must get to heaven his own way. ~Frederick the Great
God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him? ~Martin Buber
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. ~George Bernard Shaw
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. ~Doug McLeod
I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. ~Author unknown, from a stand-up comedy routine on television
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. ~Author Unknown
In some awful, strange, paradoxical way, atheists tend to take religion more seriously than the practitioners. ~Jonathon Miller
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ~Saturday Night Live, Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts”
Impiety, n.: Your irreverence toward my deity. ~Ambrose Bierce
Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing "Does not!" ~Author Unknown
I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~D. Dale Gulledge
The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really. ~Paula Poundstone
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? ~Jules Feiffer
And we have saved the best for last…
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. ~George Bernard Shaw
Visit My e-store!
www.bentwiredandstoned.com
Jewelry - because chocolate doesn't last forever...
NOTE: This is a list of quotes from all kinds of perspectives from multiple people. There is something here for almost everyone…please understand that the intent here is to just show what different people think. I am in no way saying that any of these are right or wrong, I just happen to find them interesting.
Dane Cook – “I was riding in an elevator and this guy got on with me, and as we are riding this guy sneezed…..after a second I looked at him and said, “Uh, God bless you,” but I said it with a tone that said “Cover your &*%$#!@ mouth”….now I said “God bless you” and not just “bless you” because, I’m not the Lord. I don’t have that kind of power.” So anyway, this guy looks at me like I’m garbage and says “I’m an atheist”. So I asked him, “What is it that you believe?” He says, well, I believe that when I die, I will be returned to the earth and make the ground fertile, and then some day a tree will take root and grow from that soil and I will become a beautiful tree.” And here is what I think of that…ok, you grow into a tree….then one day some big burly lumberjack comes along and chops down the tree, and it goes to the mill where they put that tree into grinder….eventually he becomes paper, and once he becomes paper….WE PRINT THE BIBLE ON HIM.”
Jim Gaffigan – “I like for everyone to feel comfortable, which is why I want to talk to you about Jesus…(and you’re all thinking) he better not! Wouldn’t it be awful if I got struck by lightening for that? The next day you’d be telling your friends, “He told a Jesus joke and got electrocuted. It was the BEST show I’ve ever seen”.”
Jim Gaffigan - Where did we get our ideas for celebrating Easter? Can you imagine…?
Person 1: “Hey, Easter is coming, the day the Lord was raised from the dead. What should we do?
Person 2: How about eggs?
Person 1: What does that have to do with Jesus?
Person 2: (Shrugging) All right, we’ll hide them.
Person 1: I don’t follow your logic.
Person 2: Oh, don’t worry. There’s a bunny.
Marc Maron: “…He died young, so he never really got the chance to become bitter. Suppose he hadn’t died young…let’s say there was a third testament to the Bible. Jesus is about 50 or 60 years old, he’s got one apostle left, the book would open with Jesus standing knee deep in water and yelling back at the shore to his one apostle “I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!”
Lewis Black Live -Every Sunday, I turn on the TV and there is always a preacher reading from the Old Testament, which is the book of my people….the Jewish people. And that book, wasn’t good enough for you Christians…was it? You said “No! We have a better book with a better character, you’re gonna love him!!!” But every Sunday there is a preacher reading from my book, and interpreting it. And their interpretations, I have to tell you, are usually wrong. You don’t see Rabbis on TV interpreting the New Testament, do you?--
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." --Voltaire "
"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn't be able to stop throwing up." Woody Allen, American comedian (born 1935)
With all of the scandals surrounding televangelists, they have decided that they need to come up with a new code of ethics for the televangelists. I thought the they had a code of ethics. It’s called the Bible! What ever happened to that? Do we really need to write down “Thou shalt not play the pirate and the slave girl in cheap motel rooms”? -Jay Leno, 1988.
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert EinsteinGod is subtle, but he is not malicious. -Albert Einstein.
Whenever morality is based on theology, whenever right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established. -Ludwig Feuerbach, philosopher (1804-1872)
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. -Anne Lamott, writer (1954- )
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)
When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt. -Robert T. Pirsig, author and philosopher (1928- )Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb
Lord, grant that we may always be in the right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds- Scottish prayer
If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz
Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure. (author unknown)
Black holes are where God divided by zero. – Steven Wright
All religions must be tolerated... for... every man must get to heaven his own way. ~Frederick the Great
God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him? ~Martin Buber
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. ~George Bernard Shaw
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. ~Doug McLeod
I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. ~Author unknown, from a stand-up comedy routine on television
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. ~Author Unknown
In some awful, strange, paradoxical way, atheists tend to take religion more seriously than the practitioners. ~Jonathon Miller
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ~Saturday Night Live, Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts”
Impiety, n.: Your irreverence toward my deity. ~Ambrose Bierce
Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing "Does not!" ~Author Unknown
I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~D. Dale Gulledge
The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really. ~Paula Poundstone
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? ~Jules Feiffer
And we have saved the best for last…
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. ~George Bernard Shaw
Visit My e-store!
www.bentwiredandstoned.com
Jewelry - because chocolate doesn't last forever...
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