Story Behind The 12 Days Of Christmas

We know of the song of the 12 days of Christmas. Below is the other
side of the story that everyone likes so much, from the recipients point
of view. As Paul Harvey would say.... and now, the rest of the story...

My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real
Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
========================================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they
are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are
being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
==========================================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings,
one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
========================================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese
laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors
are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please
stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
========================================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a
swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all
over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8
maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is
manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just
lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
=========================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing
those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are
getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a
petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
==========================================================
December 23, 1972
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be
condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=========================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers
ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the
cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you
rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=========================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss
Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been
instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger Bender & Chole

About American Idol

blogger Tags: american idol, idol, simon cowell, paula abdul, randy jackson, clay aiken, kelly clarkson, jennifer hudson, tv, music

Thou Shalt Not Commit Idolatry!

Idolatry. People, that one is in the top 10 of big no-nos. And at this point, I am saying AMEN!! Why, you may ask, am I bringing it up? Some of you have probably already guessed the answer to that, but I am going to say it anyway….

I HATE AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Was that clear or am I being too vague? What is this mania with this show? You grab a bunch of people, dangle their dreams in front of them and then have them decimated by a snotty Englishman (gee, I wonder where they came up with that?? Can you say “stereotype”?) a sub-standard former pop singer (sorry, but if you ever listen to Paula Abdul, and don’t pay any attention to the music that carried her songs, you find that this loopy little shorty can’t sing, and never could as far as I can tell) and a big jolly guy who has unceremoniously ruined the use of the word “dawg” for absolutely EVERYONE.

I like the idea of having a contest and offering a contract to the winner, but what I don’t get is why they call it American Idol since not many of the winners do all that well. I mean, really. How many seasons have they had of this? And how many of the actual winners have reached Idol status? And when I say “idol status” I mean like Elvis Presley, or Elton John, or Prince and Michael Jackson in the 80’s, or Madonna through the 80’s and 90’s, or Mozart, Beethoven, The Rolling Stones, The Beatles, Aerosmith, …etc. The names you will truly never forget and twenty years after they have died, the surviving generations are doing remakes of their music, giving tours of their homes, and showing marathons and biographies of them on the anniversaries of their deaths, and making movies about their lives, THOSE are the musical Idols. I don’t really get that sense from ANY of the performers I have seen on American Idol. The real musical idols have more than staying power, they have a kind of immortality.

Now, I can see where it might be interesting to see a new celebrity in the making, but to have people like Simon sit there and say the absolute cruelest things he can come up with to someone who is absolutely star material (can you say Jennifer Hudson?) and tell them they don’t have what it takes, then they leave (usually in tears), I have to wonder how many people who are talented he would have blown past. Being able to sing in every genre shows talent, but it doesn’t make you an idol. I never want to hear Alanis Morrisette sing “I Will Survive”, but I am quite happy to listen to Jagged Little Pill from start to finish when I am feeling surly toward the male population. Different genres require different styles and sounds, and you don’t have to master every one of them to be an Idol. In fact, history has proven that it really only takes a mastery of one.

I suppose my annoyance with the Idol is simply the arrogant cruelty of it. Failing at something is hard enough without some schmuck sitting there berating you for the errors you have made in front of millions of people. Do I think the show is funny….it can be, but “painful to watch” is the term I would most often choose. And, I’m sorry, but the people who go on these types of shows in hopes of getting their names out there are really begging for a heart stomping. And they get it. It’s their choice to be there. I can’t decide if they are brave or stupid, so I am guessing it’s probably some of both.

For whatever reason, the show is insanely popular, and the last few contestants often become household names for a while. Bully for them. But it feels like this show is on my TV every night, and when it’s not airing, every other show is talking about it. I am sick of it. It’s been done to death.

Of them all, the only one I would say has actually reached any real heights of musical fame and hasn’t shamed themselves is Kelly Clarkson. Others would argue that it is the chick who sings country music, but I can’t get behind that argument since I can’t remember her name, and I don’t really care enough to go look it up. And as for Clay….people…he’s just embarrassing. The bulk of his following seems to be twelve year old girls…and they are the same demographic that catapulted Menudo, The New Kids On The Block, Brittany Spears & The Backstreet Boys into fame. Aiken’s concerts are spectacles that would make Liberace proud.

And what happened to Ruben? He was supposed to be the next Luther Vandross. And you can’t tell me that Taylor Hicks has reached idol status. Well, actually, you can tell me that, but it wouldn’t exactly be a statement that smacks of credibility. Every once in a while I will hear someone mention Fantasia, but I don’t actually hear her. She’s made it to Broadway, but I am not getting that true Idol vibe from any of them.

To me, the whole “idolness” of American Idol is deeply lacking. In my opinion, Paula needs to get in some serious couch time, Simon needs to have a spa day to control his hostility, and Randy…well, what can I say….this dude couldn’t be more boring if he made it a personal goal, so he needs to take some of the money he has made from this show and use it to pay a writer to provide him with something interesting to say.

Overall,  I feel American Idol is a mockery to much of the music industry, and many people who are on the audition episodes seem to be clinically deranged, plus, it’s mean.  The only singer on Idol that ever really managed to evoke real emotion from me, that was able to move me, was kicked off and told she didn’t have what it took to be a star…but that’s ok…she has an Academy Award now…and I am going to say here, what a huge portion of that population wished Jennifer Hudson had said when she got her Golden Globe and her Oscar…something like….

“I’m sorry Simon? What did you say? Something about me not having “it”...well, meet my friend Oscar… as Dustin Hoffman said when he won, "he has no genitalia and he is holding a sword"….you and Oscar have a lot in common.”

By the way, has anyone else noticed that Simon really can’t take criticism when it is directed at him? Talk about dishing it out but not being able to take it!

If this show must continue, then please, for the love of all that is holy, confine it to one night, even if it takes up the entire schedule for Fox for a night, just keep it in one place on one night so I don’t have hear about it on the radio every blasted day. I am already an insomniac, I really don’t need to be driven any further towards insanity by this absurd “phenomenon”.

Henry Phillips - Standing On The Shoulders Of Freaks

Henry Phillips

Quote: “What I take from life, I give back through my art. So far I've taken nothing but crap."

Henry Phillips writes touching music, then attaches outrageous lyrics to it. Not since Ray Stevens has anyone managed to make people laugh through a song with such style. Like all good comedians and philosophers, Henry finds humor and metaphors in new places and is unapologetic in his works. But then, there is no need for him to apologize given the fact that what he says has this nasty tendency to be true.

In his honor, I would like to introduce you to the song of his that I favored most. It is also our song of the week.

Henry has been featured on Comedy Central, Jimmy Kimmel and is often heard on the radio on Bob & Tom. Always fun, and definitely worth a listen.

If you want to learn more about Henry, check out some of his work and get tour dates, visit his site at http://www.henryphillips.com/.


Lyrics to my favorite Henry Philips Song...

Standing On The Shoulders Of Freaks

Ancient philosophy was framed by prodigies;
Aristotle, Plato, and Socrates.
And even though their thoughts were deemed
the aristocratic voice,
They also had a thing for little boys.

Catherine the Great, so it's been said,
Needed large animals to be fulfilled in bed.

From historic rulers,
To the ancient Greeks,
We're standing on the shoulders of freaks

"Isn't life pretty?" Ernest Hemingway once said,
And then he put a bullet through his head

Salvador Dali's surreal paintings were godsent,
You'd never know he ate his own excrement.

Then there's Da Vinci, for whom it required
Dressing in women's underwear to be inspired.

From the great romantics,
To the ancient Greeks,
We're standing on the shoulders of freaks.

Truman Capote, needless to say,
Would be intoxicated 20 hours a day

From the modern authors,
To the ancient Greeks,

We're standing on the shoulders of freaks

For More from Henry, try these links...






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