Twas The Night Before Christmas - alternative version

Twas The Night Before Christmas
(as if written by a technical writer for a firm that does US government contracting)

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

Know Your State Motto

Alabama - Heck Yes, We Have Electricity.

Alaska - 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona - But It’s A Dry Heat.

Arkansas - Literacy Ain’t Everything.

California - By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado - If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.

Connecticut - Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware - We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.

Florida - Ask Us About Our Grandkids, and Home Of The Early Bird Special

Georgia - We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.

Hawaii - Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)

Idaho - More Than Just Potatoes... Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois - Please, Don’t Pronounce the "S"

Indiana - 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa - We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas - First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky - Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana - We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.

Maine - We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland - If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts - Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

Michigan - First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota - 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi - Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri - Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana - Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else.

Nebraska - Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada - Prostitutes and Poker!

New Hampshire - Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey - You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!

New Mexico - Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York - You Have The Right To Remain Silent; You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina - Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota - We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio - At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma - Like The Play, But No Singing

Oregon - Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania - Cook With Coal

Rhode Island - We’re Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina - Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet

South Dakota - Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee - The Edyoocashun State

Texas - Se Hablo Ingles

Utah - Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont - Ay, Yep

Virginia - Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington - We Have More Rain Than You Do

West Virginia - One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin - Come Cut The Cheese!

Wyoming - Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared