Mermaid Or Whale

Recently, in a large city in Australia , a poster featuring a young, thin
and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"



A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of
the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the
gym:


To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious
humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby
whales.

They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia , the
Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.

They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than
humans.

They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.


Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of
Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not
to mention how could they have sex?

Just look at them ... where is IT?

Therefore, they don't have kids either.

Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish
store?



The choice is perfectly clear to me:

I want to be a whale.


P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only
skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my
kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate
with my friends.

With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and
wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to
the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good
grief, look how smart I am!¨

International Diet Plans

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you.

Powerful Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing
but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads , "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought , he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me" Well, he's out the door after her like a shot".
This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her ; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze , so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons
standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around
his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."