Women Over 40 by Andy Rooney

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks
about women over 40...

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few

reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,

'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually
more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away
with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you
are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where
you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over
40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself
with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk
for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

Sloths - Shoes and a Shot...

The sloth. Now there is a VERY mellow dude in the animal kingdom. Never seems to be in a hurry… always chillin’ in the shade. Now, that might seem great to some, but have you considered that the sloths themselves are not that way by choice? I took it upon myself to try to look at this from the sloth’s point of view and I had an epiphany. They have no hustle because they have no equipment to give them that jolt they need to get moving.

It’s so simple, that I can’t believe the world hasn’t figured out! Sloths mostly eat leaves. That’s not exactly the most energetic diet. They move at a rip-roaring speed of about 15 feet per minute, have about a quarter of the muscle of other mammals their size and they only potty once or twice a week. With the exception of many teenaged humans (and a shocking number of adults), I am not presently aware of many other mammals that are this way.

So…my solution to getting the sloths up and moving at fantastical speeds, thus shaking up the animal kingdom, is as follows. We shall go into the jungles of South America, and seek out the sloths and give them an ample supply of Air Jordans. Then just stand back!! They will be up and around and moving at a breakneck speed of 20 to 30 feet per minute! They’ll come down out of the trees more often cuz all they will need to do is jump down, potty and then spring right back up into the tree without any trouble at all. I saw the commercials for Air Jordans! Those things make you jump really high! Did you see what they did for Michael Jordan??? They'll love it! And since the sloth is quiet by nature, even the name of the shoes, "sneakers", will endear them to the notion even more! Also,given the bad rap that sloths have received thus far, I don't think "loafers" will be a hot ticket to them.

Now, for the ultimate add-in... the missing ingredient that will make the sloth move like lightening (comparatively speaking). Red Bull! That's right! give them sneakers and throw in the Red Bull and sloths will be able to FLY!!! I don’t know about you, but I really want to see that! To make things really interesting, let’s help them further by starting their days off with a double shot of espresso and a laxative!! Air-born sloths with total constipation reversal may not sound like a great plan to you, but they will be helping to fertilize the South American rainforest, thus encouraging new growth. My plan is, therefore, environmentally sound.

No longer shall the sloth be viewed as the lazy critter of the animal kingdom. They shall no longer be mocked by the other animals because now the noble sloth will be able to catch their tormentors and kick their asses. In a few generations, people will wonder why “sloth” is one of the 7 deadly sins, because being active seems like a good idea. The zealots will, of course, decide that being active is a sin and they will then have to sit down and shut the hell up …so everyone wins in the end…all because someone had the presence of mind to see to it that the sloth has some nice Jordans and plenty of caffine and sugar… and in the end…isn’t that what we all want?

Penguin Pants - The next uprising in fashion

Pants For Penguins

Penguins. Nice creatures. They walk…a lot. As I watched March of The Penguins, Farce of the Penguins, and Madagascar, my heart broke over and over again. The poor creatures…all that walking, waddling and surfing, and they are forced to do it all without the benefit of pants.
How could this be? In this world of modern technology, where we have fat free cookies, cell phones and Honey Bunches of Oats has found a way to give us JUST the bunches, how do the penguins NOT have pants?

You can say that they don’t need them, but I do not hold to that. Their lil’ tushies must be freezing and they wander across the ice and tundra in a long line, just to get a little action and some egg time. I don’t care who you are or what you are wearing, if you had to spend your time out in the icy elements, without pants, and only a tuxedo coat, your little patootie would freeze right off (and NO, that is not a suggestion for a new diet).

Join me my fellow humans, in correcting the dilemma. Help me solve the plight of the penguins! Say it loud, and say it proud! “PANTS FOR PENGUINS!” No more shall their little bare booties be dragged across the frozen tundra! No more shall they have to say “I am freezing my ass off” and it be a LITERAL statement. Rise with me! Fight for their right to wear pants! All kinds of pants! Jeans, khakis, shorts, capris,...made with cotton, sequins, glitter..and yes…dare I say it?..... SPANDEX!!! Just imagine those little guys waddling their way across the icy wilderness, their little tails swinging with pride, their heads bobbing up and down to their favorite Eminem song playing in their ipods, and sporting a super-sexy pair of sparkly pink and purple spandex biker shorts!

You may ask, but where will we find pants to fit the penguins? Well, I say unto you, THE PANTS ARE OUT THERE! If eclectech.co.uk has a picture of a penguin in super-awesome disco pants (see below), then that means that they are out there!

Our first step, find Opus the penguin. The last time i saw him, he was in the Outland, and had also been seen often in Bloom County....Opus broke new ground by wearing tighty-whitey underpants back in 80's (check out his sexy penguin-ness below)...when penguin rights were barely a thought to most people, and the controversial penguin evolution trials were taking place. When you feel discouraged in the fight, just think of Opus, boldly going where few penguins had gone before, standing proud in his penguin pants, and fight on! FIGHT FOR PENGUIN PANTS FOR ALL!!!

Remember....Penguins are our pantless homies!

The Flying spaghetti Monster... My new Favorite Religion...

The Flying Spaghetti Monster...

The more you read about us, the more you're going to be persuaded that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the true creator and that FSMism is the Best. Religion. Ever. Go ahead, try us for 30 days. If you don't like us, your old religion will most likely take you back. Unless it's the Jains, whose feelings are easily hurt." - Bobby Henderson

"Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today's fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM's devout followers, aka Pastafarians? Some say it's the assuring touch from the FSM's Noodly Appendage. Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in Pirate-Speak and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church's flimsy moral standards, religious holidays EVERY Friday, and the fact that Pastafarian Heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano?"- The Gospel

This is the group for all of the Pastafarians out there who worship the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, or those who wish to convert to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, discover the truth about our creation, become a Pastafarian!!

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was 'ARRRRGH!'" - PIRATICUS 13:7

What do we stand for?
All that is good!!
What are we against?
All that isn't good!!

For more, here is a quick overview of Pastafarianism: http://www.venganza.org/flash/guidetopastafarianismpreloaded.swf

With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshippers, the Church of the FSM is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents - mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs.

Some claim that the church is purely a thought experiment, satire, illustrating that Intelligent Design is not science, but rather a pseudoscience manufactured by Christians to push Creationism into public schools. These people are mistaken. The Church of FSM is real, totally legit, and backed by hard science. Anything that comes across as humor or satire is purely coincidental.


The Gospel According to FMG

These are the direct words of our Noodly Creator from his Gospel:The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster


1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.

2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.

3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.

4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.

5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):

A. Ending Poverty
B. Curing Diseases
C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.

7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?

8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.

In The Beginning

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then
created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.


God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.

Evening Classes For Men

Evening Classes for Men

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS.
Step by step guide with slide presentation.

TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR.
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics).

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL.
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups.

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS.
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum.

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE TRASH CAN?
Group discussion and role play.

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH.
PowerPoint presentation.

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST.
Real life testimonial from the one man who did.

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation.

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER.
Online class and role playing.

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE.
Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME.
Individual counselors available.

Laws That Didn't Make it into Science Books

Murphys' Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.
O'Tooles' commentary of Murphys' Law: Murphy was an optimist.
The unspeakable Law:
As soon as you mention something...
...if it's good, it goes away.
...if it's bad, it happens.
Nonreciprocal Laws of expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Howes' Law: Every man has a scheme that will not work.
Zymurgys' first law of evolving system dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to re-can them is to use a larger can.
Etorres' observation: The other line moves faster.
Skinners' constant (Flannigans' finangaling factor): The quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten in the first place.
Law of selective gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
9A. Jennings' corollary: The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Borens' law: When in doubt, mumble.
The golden rule of arts and sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Segals' law: A man with one watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure.