Clogs For Cows - The Next Phase Of The Fashion Revolution

Horses get shoes, but cows don't. Why? What is it about horses that make them worthy but not the noble moo-cow? That's right, I said NOBLE, and I meant it!!! They quietly go about their day, munching on grass, and chilling out, not doing much to anyone. They supply us with milk, making magnificent foods possible, like cheese, yogurt, and ice cream. They supply us with meat... GREAT meat. Steaks and brisket can be nothing less than a succulent gift of unfathomable proportions. And leather... belts, shoes, coats. They give themselves over to us completely and don't put up much of a fight about it. Cows love us. Yes, they do. Look at all that they give to us...their entire selves are sacrificed so that we may enjoy their beefy goodness, and they do so freely in utter obedience to their religious beliefs.

According to their holy book “The Book Of The Divine Bovine” the sacrifices they make to serve mankind assure their place in Bovinia (Moo-Cow Heaven).
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“And thou shalt surrender thyselves up, and shall be the centerpiece of the blessed people's celebrations upon the fourth day of the seventh month of each year.” - II Bovines: 12.5

“For upon mankind's celebrations of fortune, thou shalt be sources of succulent joy, and thou shalt warm their bodies and adorn their feet in beauty and wrap their mid-sections in grand style. Thou shalt encompass their necks and wrists with cool hipness, and be much praised upon the earth.” - Leatherians: 8.4

All of this ... and we don't even give them shoes? It's a travesty! A TRAVESTY I SAY!!!

I wish I could pretend to be shocked by our thoughtlessness and disregard for these self-less, sacrificial animals, but given that we have yet to give the chicken it's propers, I can't even pretend that this behavior of ours comes as a surprise. But whether we are amazed or not is moooooot at best. The time for shock is past. It is time for action. And so begins the next great movement in animal rights... Clogs For Cows!

Clogs are the ideal fashion accessory for the gentle moo-cow. Easy to put on and take off, and there are plenty of fashionable options since clogs can be carved and shaped into almost any trendy form. No need to nail them into place...which is just barbaric...but that's another issue for another time.

Just think of it... our bovinesque friends wearing a nice pair of clogs...or even the uber-thick flip flops with a nice flower on the top. Give the cows that sense of flash and flare that they so richly deserve! How can you be still as the bearers of our grandest attire, sweetest meat and dairy goodness are left out in the cold (or absurd heat, depending on the season) with bare hooves and no evidence of their fashion sense. For heaven's sake people, THEY EVEN GIVE US THEIR CHILDREN FOR VEAL! IS A PAIR OF $10 CLOGS SO MUCH TO ASK??? If you do think it is too much to ask, then you, my friend, are chock full of bovine fecal matter.

Sloths - Shoes and a Shot...

The sloth. Now there is a VERY mellow dude in the animal kingdom. Never seems to be in a hurry… always chillin’ in the shade. Now, that might seem great to some, but have you considered that the sloths themselves are not that way by choice? I took it upon myself to try to look at this from the sloth’s point of view and I had an epiphany. They have no hustle because they have no equipment to give them that jolt they need to get moving.

It’s so simple, that I can’t believe the world hasn’t figured out! Sloths mostly eat leaves. That’s not exactly the most energetic diet. They move at a rip-roaring speed of about 15 feet per minute, have about a quarter of the muscle of other mammals their size and they only potty once or twice a week. With the exception of many teenaged humans (and a shocking number of adults), I am not presently aware of many other mammals that are this way.

So…my solution to getting the sloths up and moving at fantastical speeds, thus shaking up the animal kingdom, is as follows. We shall go into the jungles of South America, and seek out the sloths and give them an ample supply of Air Jordans. Then just stand back!! They will be up and around and moving at a breakneck speed of 20 to 30 feet per minute! They’ll come down out of the trees more often cuz all they will need to do is jump down, potty and then spring right back up into the tree without any trouble at all. I saw the commercials for Air Jordans! Those things make you jump really high! Did you see what they did for Michael Jordan??? They'll love it! And since the sloth is quiet by nature, even the name of the shoes, "sneakers", will endear them to the notion even more! Also,given the bad rap that sloths have received thus far, I don't think "loafers" will be a hot ticket to them.

Now, for the ultimate add-in... the missing ingredient that will make the sloth move like lightening (comparatively speaking). Red Bull! That's right! give them sneakers and throw in the Red Bull and sloths will be able to FLY!!! I don’t know about you, but I really want to see that! To make things really interesting, let’s help them further by starting their days off with a double shot of espresso and a laxative!! Air-born sloths with total constipation reversal may not sound like a great plan to you, but they will be helping to fertilize the South American rainforest, thus encouraging new growth. My plan is, therefore, environmentally sound.

No longer shall the sloth be viewed as the lazy critter of the animal kingdom. They shall no longer be mocked by the other animals because now the noble sloth will be able to catch their tormentors and kick their asses. In a few generations, people will wonder why “sloth” is one of the 7 deadly sins, because being active seems like a good idea. The zealots will, of course, decide that being active is a sin and they will then have to sit down and shut the hell up …so everyone wins in the end…all because someone had the presence of mind to see to it that the sloth has some nice Jordans and plenty of caffine and sugar… and in the end…isn’t that what we all want?