Humorous Words of Wisdom

1. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

2. Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

3. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

4. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

5. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

6.Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

7.If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

8.Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run.

9.When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

10. If you're living on the edge, make sure you wear your seat belt.

11. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

12. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

13.Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

14.It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

15.Doing something is better than doing nothing, unless you're zoning out in front of your tv, enjoying some "down time" after a long, hard day at the office!

Summary & truths Of Life....

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.. ..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . .. having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

The Real Circle Of Life

> On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You
> must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer
> under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the
> farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."
>
> The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me
> to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll
> give back the other forty."
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit
> all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
> comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty
> years."
>
> The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me
> ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed
> (sigh).
>
> On the third day God created the monkey. God said,
> entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
> give you a twenty year life span."
>
> Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty
> years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's
> what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat,
> sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy.
> I'll give you twenty years."
>
> Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you
> what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back,
> and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave
> back. That makes eighty, okay?"
>
> "Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
>
> So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep,
> play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothi ng; For the next forty
> years we slave in the sun to support our family; For the next
> ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
> And for the last ten years we sit in front
> of the house and bark at everybody.
>
> Life has now been explained

Four Little Animals = Total Happiness

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"

The little girl said "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed and a jackass to pay for all of it".

The Teacher Fainted