Out of The Mouths of First-Graders

All of these are good, but the last one is just priceless!

1. Don't change horses...........until they stop running.

2. Strike while the............................bug is close.

3. It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of ....................termites.

5. You can lead a horse to water but........................how?

6. Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty.

7. No news is.........................................impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a....................................Mr.

9. You can't teach an old dog new...........................math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......stink in the morning.

11. Love all,trust................................ me.

12. The pen is mightier than the...................... ......pigs.

13. An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.

14. Where there's smoke there's.......................pollution.

15. Happy is the bride who.....................gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is ...................................not much.

17. Two's company, three's ....................the Musketeers

18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... You have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as.......................Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don't succeed................get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you ................see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind................get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!

25. Better late than......................................pregnant.

Word-play

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

8) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

9) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

10) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

11) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

12) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

13) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

15) Procrastinate Now

16) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

17) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

18) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.

New endings for Old Sayings

We all learn cliches and sayings in the course of living...but after giving much thought to the more common ones, I have decided that the time has come to rewrite them...with a dose of reality and dash or sarcasm...

Original Quote: My house is your house.

My Quote: My house is off limits.

Original Quote: A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

My Quote: A bird in the hand...will peck you and fight to escape.

Original Quote: Eat, drink and be merry.

My Quote: Eat, drink and get fat.

Original Quote: The early bird gets the worm.

My Quote: The early bird...needs to roll his ass over and go back to sleep.

Orinigal Quote: Never speak ill of the dead.

My Quote: Never speak ill of...the person who signs your paychecks.

Original Quote: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

My Quote: I have always depended on ...air.

Original Quote: Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

My Quote: Idle hands are...doing nothing.

Original Quote: The love of money is the root of all evil.

My Quote: The love of money is...typical.

Original Quote: Justice is blind.

My Quote: Justice is...rare.

Original Quote: Love the one you're with.

My Quote: Love the one you're...spending the most money on.

Original Quote: Faith is belief in things not yet seen.

My Quote: Faith is belief in things...that probably aren't true.

Original Quote: It takes a village to raise a child.

My Quote: It takes a village to...make an outcast.

Original Quote: Repeating the same action and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

My Quote: Repeating the same action and expecting different results is the definition of ... politics.

Original Quote: Respect your elders.

My Quote: Respect your...limitations.

Original Quote: Can't we all just get along?

My Quote: Can't we all just get... a life?

Original Quote: You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

My Quote: You scratch my back...and I'll fall asleep.

Original Quote: What goes around, comes around.

My Quote: What goes around...can often be cured with penicillin.

Original Quote: Thou shalt not (insert favorite commandment here).

My Quote: Thou shalt not...quote scriptures at me.

Original Quote: Show me the money!

My Quote: GIVE me the money!

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