Celebrity Quotes - Yes, they said it...

-"Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy in a jar on my desk" -Stephen King

-"Date Prince William? No, he's too...horsey. - Keira Knightley

-"They're a bit like chicken fillets really. You can hit people with them!" -talking about her temporary breast implants for Pirates - Keira Knightley

-"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope

- "A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah." - Ronald Reagan

- "Commit the oldest sins, in the newest kind of ways." - William Shakespeare

"I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

- "I never think of the future - it comes soon enough." - Albert Einstein

- "I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time." - Marilyn Munroe

- "Those of you in the cheaper seats clap your hands, those of you in the
more expensive ones rattle your jewelry." - John Lennon

"Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun." - Mao Tse Tung

- "Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

- "I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to." - Elvis Presley

- "My one regret in life is that I'm not somebody else." - Woody Allen

-"Always forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - R. Kennedy

- "She looks like she combs her hair with an egg beater." - Hedda Hopper

- "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." - Dean Martin

- "You're not a real manager unless you've been sacked." - Malcolm Allison

- "This is on me" is what Dorothy Parker wanted on her tombstone

- "When you are down and out, something always turns up - usually the noses
of your friends." - Orson Welles

- "Anybody who sees and paints a sky green and pastures blue ought to be
sterilized." - Adolf Hitler

- "I am an optimist. But I'm an optimist who takes his raincoat." - Harold Wilson

- "The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary." - Vidal Sassoon

- "I'm not against half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be..." Benny Hill

- "The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive." - Kenneth Williams

"The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy". - Helen Hayes (at 73)

- "TV has brought murder back into the home where it belongs." - Alfred Hitchcock

- "TV is more interesting than people. If it were not, we should have people standing in the corners of our rooms." - Alan Coren

-"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something." -- Plato

-"Try not to become a man of success, but rather, try to become a man of value." -- Albert Einstein

-"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." --Mark Twain

-"Woman are meant to be loved, not to be understood". --Oscar Wilde

-"Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend". --Martin Luther King, Jr.
"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". --Gandhi

"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life." --Tommy Lasorda

"Every relationship I've been in, I've overwhelmed the girl. They just can't handle all the love. " . --Justin Timberlake

"Keep your face to the sunshine and you will not see the shadows". - Helen Keller

"You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take. - Wayne Gretzky

"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got". - Garth Brooks

"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music". - George Carlin

"For those who understand no explanation is needed, ...For those who don't none will do". - Jerry Lewis

"Don't be so humble, you're not that great". - Golda Meir

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house". - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." --Jason Kidd

"People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000." --Pete Incaviglia, baseball player, 1990

"I'm the best there was, the best there is, and the best there ever will be!." --Bret Hart

""Ninety percent of the game is half mental." --Jim Wohford

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool (Yogi Berra).

"If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid." - Eddie Izzard

And my personal favorite...

"I wouldn't want to be the leader of the Soviet Union. You never know when they are recording you." -- Former President Richard Nixon

Deep observations - From funny People

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
base."
--Dave Barry

6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger


7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat I said, "Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating
a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
same."
--Oscar Wilde

16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
-A. Whitney Brown

18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry


20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease"
was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

Lewis Black ... Black Is Beautiful

I will, at this time, freely admit that I worship at the alter of Lewis Black. Okay…I don’t literally worship him, but I do deeply love him. Lewis is acidic, sarcastic, cynical, and consistently on the mark. He tells it like it is and lets no one get away with what can only be referred to as bovine fecal matter..

Lewis is a fearless commentator on society and world issues. In a perfect world I’d make him the leader of the free world. He calls leaders on the carpet for their retarded nonsense and keeps us in stitches while doing it. He is the only comedian I have ever watched that actually made the topic of the weather something funny.He has a habit of being honest and merciless, which I find refreshing. He is difficult to describe…so I will let you see for yourself. Check out the quotes…or better yet, order his Books or DVDs. I personally loved watching Lewis Black: Red, White and Screwed the most, but I appreciated it more after having seen and/or listened to his other performances.

QUOTES

Let's face it, Americans are fat all year round, but the holidays are when we really hit our stride. And you can bet the food we eat will be just as unhealthy as the families we're forced to visit.
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The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!" [On Boston traffic]

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Turns out we've all been eating the wrong thing...since the dawn of civilization! [On the Atkins Diet]

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But those aren't the flavors. That'd make too much sense. Apple and pear, according to Dr. Phil, are body types the bars are made for. Hey, I've got some advice. If you look like an apple or a pear, eat an apple or a pear! [On Dr. Phil's energy bars]

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Candy Corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

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MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

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You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in ONE SENTENCE....what it does....it's illegal.

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Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your nose!
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The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.
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In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants.
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I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out. (on his political views)
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Here are some links to Lewis' CDs, DVDs and Books to get you going... as you can see, there is no shortage of entertainment from the mighty man in black.

Religion...What's been Said Thus far....Something to think about

Take on Religion

NOTE: This is a list of quotes from all kinds of perspectives from multiple people. There is something here for almost everyone…please understand that the intent here is to just show what different people think. I am in no way saying that any of these are right or wrong, I just happen to find them interesting.

Dane Cook – “I was riding in an elevator and this guy got on with me, and as we are riding this guy sneezed…..after a second I looked at him and said, “Uh, God bless you,” but I said it with a tone that said “Cover your &*%$#!@ mouth”….now I said “God bless you” and not just “bless you” because, I’m not the Lord. I don’t have that kind of power.” So anyway, this guy looks at me like I’m garbage and says “I’m an atheist”. So I asked him, “What is it that you believe?” He says, well, I believe that when I die, I will be returned to the earth and make the ground fertile, and then some day a tree will take root and grow from that soil and I will become a beautiful tree.” And here is what I think of that…ok, you grow into a tree….then one day some big burly lumberjack comes along and chops down the tree, and it goes to the mill where they put that tree into grinder….eventually he becomes paper, and once he becomes paper….WE PRINT THE BIBLE ON HIM.”


Jim Gaffigan – “I like for everyone to feel comfortable, which is why I want to talk to you about Jesus…(and you’re all thinking) he better not! Wouldn’t it be awful if I got struck by lightening for that? The next day you’d be telling your friends, “He told a Jesus joke and got electrocuted. It was the BEST show I’ve ever seen”.”

Jim Gaffigan - Where did we get our ideas for celebrating Easter? Can you imagine…?

Person 1: “Hey, Easter is coming, the day the Lord was raised from the dead. What should we do?
Person 2: How about eggs?
Person 1: What does that have to do with Jesus?
Person 2: (Shrugging) All right, we’ll hide them.
Person 1: I don’t follow your logic.
Person 2: Oh, don’t worry. There’s a bunny.

Marc Maron: “…He died young, so he never really got the chance to become bitter. Suppose he hadn’t died young…let’s say there was a third testament to the Bible. Jesus is about 50 or 60 years old, he’s got one apostle left, the book would open with Jesus standing knee deep in water and yelling back at the shore to his one apostle “I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!”

Lewis Black Live -Every Sunday, I turn on the TV and there is always a preacher reading from the Old Testament, which is the book of my people….the Jewish people. And that book, wasn’t good enough for you Christians…was it? You said “No! We have a better book with a better character, you’re gonna love him!!!” But every Sunday there is a preacher reading from my book, and interpreting it. And their interpretations, I have to tell you, are usually wrong. You don’t see Rabbis on TV interpreting the New Testament, do you?--

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." --Voltaire "

"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn't be able to stop throwing up." Woody Allen, American comedian (born 1935)

With all of the scandals surrounding televangelists, they have decided that they need to come up with a new code of ethics for the televangelists. I thought the they had a code of ethics. It’s called the Bible! What ever happened to that? Do we really need to write down “Thou shalt not play the pirate and the slave girl in cheap motel rooms”? -Jay Leno, 1988.

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert EinsteinGod is subtle, but he is not malicious. -Albert Einstein.

Whenever morality is based on theology, whenever right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established. -Ludwig Feuerbach, philosopher (1804-1872)

You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. -Anne Lamott, writer (1954- )

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)

When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt. -Robert T. Pirsig, author and philosopher (1928- )Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb

Lord, grant that we may always be in the right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds- Scottish prayer

If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz

Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure. (author unknown)

Black holes are where God divided by zero. – Steven Wright

All religions must be tolerated... for... every man must get to heaven his own way. ~Frederick the Great

God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him? ~Martin Buber

There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. ~George Bernard Shaw

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. ~Doug McLeod

I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. ~Author unknown, from a stand-up comedy routine on television

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. ~Author Unknown

In some awful, strange, paradoxical way, atheists tend to take religion more seriously than the practitioners. ~Jonathon Miller

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ~Saturday Night Live, Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts”

Impiety, n.: Your irreverence toward my deity. ~Ambrose Bierce


Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing "Does not!" ~Author Unknown

I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~D. Dale Gulledge

The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really. ~Paula Poundstone

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? ~Jules Feiffer

And we have saved the best for last…

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. ~George Bernard Shaw

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