One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart- attack and dies. He
immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll
tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to
the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted
kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over
he dove in and surfaced with noth ing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with
a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that
hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying
on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she
does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man,
I..
I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said . . . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Showing posts with label hell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hell. Show all posts
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Engineering In Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Orientation Day In Hell - Rowan Atkinson
NOTE: BEFORE YOU CONTINUE TO READ, I JUST WANT TO INFORM ALL THE READERS WHO HAVE INQUIRED THAT ROWAN ATKINSON IS NOT DEAD (09/16/2009)
The following is from a performance given by Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) a number of years ago. Rowan, dressed as the Devil enters and welcome everyone to hell...and shares the rules and regualtions for newcomers...
The Devil: All right then...Hello, nice to see you all again. In case you haven't noticed, and to many of your's surprise ... you are now, in hell. I am the Devil, but you can call me Spike if you like. We like to keep things a bit informal here, as well as infernal.
Welcome all. We have a saying for all newcomers. Yesterday, was the last day of the rest of your life.
Now, you are all here for...(checks clip-board) eternity, which I hardly need to tell you, is sort of a long time, so you'll get to know everyone pretty well by the end. But for now, I'm going to have to split you up into groups.
Before we move on, are there any questions???
No, although there is a resemblance, this is not Los Angeles. Any More? ... Yes?...
No, I'm afraid that we don't have any toilets here. If you had read your bible, you might have seen that it was damnation, WITHOUT relief. So if you didn't go before you came, I am afraid you are not going to enjoy yourselves very much. Of course, I believe that that's the idea.
Oh yes, I do have one bit of good news for you ... that we have finally been able to put an end to all your junk e-mail.
Any other Questions?
No, we're not splitting you into smokers and non smokers...This isn't
Spago's
Right then, lets split you up then. Can you all hear me? Can you hear me at the rack? Alright.
Murderers over here. Thank you. Looters and pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them... ...and Lawyers, over there please.
Fornicators...if you could step forward. MY GOD, there are a lot of you. If I could just split you into groups...Adulterers , and the rest.
Adulterers...If you could form a line behind that tiny guillotine.
Masturbators...could you give them a hand?
S & M fans. You can take any spot you like. Think of this as your slice of heaven.
Americans...are you here??? I do apologize, but it seems that God had a bit of a fight with your founding fathers and damned the entire race in perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to Mormons, who he realizes put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles.
The Iranians, I'm afraid can't be with us. Someone has been holding them in purgatory for a very long time.
Sodomites, could you back up there against the wall.
Athiests...Athiests over here please ... You must be surprised as all hell.
And, hmmm, Christians...Christians, are you here? Ah yes, I'm sorry, but I am afraid the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, could you just take a pew at the back with the methodists.
Now you're the lot that used to kill whales, is that right? Ah yes, I must remember, I have some strips to tear off of your bastard hides.
Golfers ...Golfers ...Can you step up and place your balls on the table?
OK, can I have all the husbands who had flatulence problems down wind by those huge vats of baked beans ... Thank you
Members of the oil Cartel...could you line up behind them please??? Now lets see if you can control the gas output.
Now all those of you who saw Monty Python's Life of Brian ... I'm afraid he can't take a joke after all.
One more thing. We are trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Harold as I like to call him. Some of you will travel up and have a day in heaven...and we will be having some angels down here. Now I hardly need to tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, now, so I hope you do the exact opposite. Tear off their wings, and use their halos for Frisbee practice.
The following is from a performance given by Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) a number of years ago. Rowan, dressed as the Devil enters and welcome everyone to hell...and shares the rules and regualtions for newcomers...
The Devil: All right then...Hello, nice to see you all again. In case you haven't noticed, and to many of your's surprise ... you are now, in hell. I am the Devil, but you can call me Spike if you like. We like to keep things a bit informal here, as well as infernal.
Welcome all. We have a saying for all newcomers. Yesterday, was the last day of the rest of your life.
Now, you are all here for...(checks clip-board) eternity, which I hardly need to tell you, is sort of a long time, so you'll get to know everyone pretty well by the end. But for now, I'm going to have to split you up into groups.
Before we move on, are there any questions???
No, although there is a resemblance, this is not Los Angeles. Any More? ... Yes?...
No, I'm afraid that we don't have any toilets here. If you had read your bible, you might have seen that it was damnation, WITHOUT relief. So if you didn't go before you came, I am afraid you are not going to enjoy yourselves very much. Of course, I believe that that's the idea.
Oh yes, I do have one bit of good news for you ... that we have finally been able to put an end to all your junk e-mail.
Any other Questions?
No, we're not splitting you into smokers and non smokers...This isn't
Spago's
Right then, lets split you up then. Can you all hear me? Can you hear me at the rack? Alright.
Murderers over here. Thank you. Looters and pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them... ...and Lawyers, over there please.
Fornicators...if you could step forward. MY GOD, there are a lot of you. If I could just split you into groups...Adulterers , and the rest.
Adulterers...If you could form a line behind that tiny guillotine.
Masturbators...could you give them a hand?
S & M fans. You can take any spot you like. Think of this as your slice of heaven.
Americans...are you here??? I do apologize, but it seems that God had a bit of a fight with your founding fathers and damned the entire race in perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to Mormons, who he realizes put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles.
The Iranians, I'm afraid can't be with us. Someone has been holding them in purgatory for a very long time.
Sodomites, could you back up there against the wall.
Athiests...Athiests over here please ... You must be surprised as all hell.
And, hmmm, Christians...Christians, are you here? Ah yes, I'm sorry, but I am afraid the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, could you just take a pew at the back with the methodists.
Now you're the lot that used to kill whales, is that right? Ah yes, I must remember, I have some strips to tear off of your bastard hides.
Golfers ...Golfers ...Can you step up and place your balls on the table?
OK, can I have all the husbands who had flatulence problems down wind by those huge vats of baked beans ... Thank you
Members of the oil Cartel...could you line up behind them please??? Now lets see if you can control the gas output.
Now all those of you who saw Monty Python's Life of Brian ... I'm afraid he can't take a joke after all.
One more thing. We are trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Harold as I like to call him. Some of you will travel up and have a day in heaven...and we will be having some angels down here. Now I hardly need to tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, now, so I hope you do the exact opposite. Tear off their wings, and use their halos for Frisbee practice.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Scientific Answer Regarding Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which
is,
of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which
is,
of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we
need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at
which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a
soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not
belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for
the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A".
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