New endings for Old Sayings

We all learn cliches and sayings in the course of living...but after giving much thought to the more common ones, I have decided that the time has come to rewrite them...with a dose of reality and dash or sarcasm...

Original Quote: My house is your house.

My Quote: My house is off limits.

Original Quote: A bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush.

My Quote: A bird in the hand...will peck you and fight to escape.

Original Quote: Eat, drink and be merry.

My Quote: Eat, drink and get fat.

Original Quote: The early bird gets the worm.

My Quote: The early bird...needs to roll his ass over and go back to sleep.

Orinigal Quote: Never speak ill of the dead.

My Quote: Never speak ill of...the person who signs your paychecks.

Original Quote: I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

My Quote: I have always depended on ...air.

Original Quote: Idle hands are the devil's workshop.

My Quote: Idle hands are...doing nothing.

Original Quote: The love of money is the root of all evil.

My Quote: The love of money is...typical.

Original Quote: Justice is blind.

My Quote: Justice is...rare.

Original Quote: Love the one you're with.

My Quote: Love the one you're...spending the most money on.

Original Quote: Faith is belief in things not yet seen.

My Quote: Faith is belief in things...that probably aren't true.

Original Quote: It takes a village to raise a child.

My Quote: It takes a village to...make an outcast.

Original Quote: Repeating the same action and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.

My Quote: Repeating the same action and expecting different results is the definition of ... politics.

Original Quote: Respect your elders.

My Quote: Respect your...limitations.

Original Quote: Can't we all just get along?

My Quote: Can't we all just get... a life?

Original Quote: You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

My Quote: You scratch my back...and I'll fall asleep.

Original Quote: What goes around, comes around.

My Quote: What goes around...can often be cured with penicillin.

Original Quote: Thou shalt not (insert favorite commandment here).

My Quote: Thou shalt not...quote scriptures at me.

Original Quote: Show me the money!

My Quote: GIVE me the money!

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