Tiger Woods' Holiday Poem

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods he came flying, chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Because a bimbo’s phone number she found on his blackberry.

He’d been cheating on poor little Elin,
And as each day went by another whore came out squealing.

He’d been on Holly, on Jaimee, on Rachel, on Cori,
On Joselyn, and Kalika, TMZ had the story.

From the top of the world to above the fold,
Tiger’s ever more sordid tale, it was told.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
And when he wasn’t hosing them, he sent them hot texts.

He crashed his Caddy, but didn’t call OnStar,
Yet he played “spank me daddy” with a skanky old porn star.

He’s been naughty, so with Santa he hasn’t a chance,
Except the big lump of coal that matches the lump in his pants.

But despite all his crying and begging and pleading,
Tiger’s wife went right out, bought a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim as she packed up the Escalade,
If you’re going to get laid, then I’m going to get paid.

Now she’s not pouting, in fact she’s of good cheer,
Because her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

Would You Remarry?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading
when the Wife looks over at him and asks the
question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "shit."

COWS, GOLF AND A WIFE

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.' We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed One of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the Cow's' butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours! 'I don't remember much after that...'

Mother Nature's Revenge

Toward the end of the golf course, Dave somehow
managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a
patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up
thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF! In a flash and puff of
smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how
long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for that, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't
have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
life ... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter
for anything the rest of your life!"

THEN POOF! ... she was gone. After Dave got a
hold of himself, he hollered for his friend Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Dave yells back......

"DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God's sake, DON'T SWING!!"