Religion...What's been Said Thus far....Something to think about

Take on Religion

NOTE: This is a list of quotes from all kinds of perspectives from multiple people. There is something here for almost everyone…please understand that the intent here is to just show what different people think. I am in no way saying that any of these are right or wrong, I just happen to find them interesting.

Dane Cook – “I was riding in an elevator and this guy got on with me, and as we are riding this guy sneezed…..after a second I looked at him and said, “Uh, God bless you,” but I said it with a tone that said “Cover your &*%$#!@ mouth”….now I said “God bless you” and not just “bless you” because, I’m not the Lord. I don’t have that kind of power.” So anyway, this guy looks at me like I’m garbage and says “I’m an atheist”. So I asked him, “What is it that you believe?” He says, well, I believe that when I die, I will be returned to the earth and make the ground fertile, and then some day a tree will take root and grow from that soil and I will become a beautiful tree.” And here is what I think of that…ok, you grow into a tree….then one day some big burly lumberjack comes along and chops down the tree, and it goes to the mill where they put that tree into grinder….eventually he becomes paper, and once he becomes paper….WE PRINT THE BIBLE ON HIM.”


Jim Gaffigan – “I like for everyone to feel comfortable, which is why I want to talk to you about Jesus…(and you’re all thinking) he better not! Wouldn’t it be awful if I got struck by lightening for that? The next day you’d be telling your friends, “He told a Jesus joke and got electrocuted. It was the BEST show I’ve ever seen”.”

Jim Gaffigan - Where did we get our ideas for celebrating Easter? Can you imagine…?

Person 1: “Hey, Easter is coming, the day the Lord was raised from the dead. What should we do?
Person 2: How about eggs?
Person 1: What does that have to do with Jesus?
Person 2: (Shrugging) All right, we’ll hide them.
Person 1: I don’t follow your logic.
Person 2: Oh, don’t worry. There’s a bunny.

Marc Maron: “…He died young, so he never really got the chance to become bitter. Suppose he hadn’t died young…let’s say there was a third testament to the Bible. Jesus is about 50 or 60 years old, he’s got one apostle left, the book would open with Jesus standing knee deep in water and yelling back at the shore to his one apostle “I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!”

Lewis Black Live -Every Sunday, I turn on the TV and there is always a preacher reading from the Old Testament, which is the book of my people….the Jewish people. And that book, wasn’t good enough for you Christians…was it? You said “No! We have a better book with a better character, you’re gonna love him!!!” But every Sunday there is a preacher reading from my book, and interpreting it. And their interpretations, I have to tell you, are usually wrong. You don’t see Rabbis on TV interpreting the New Testament, do you?--

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." --Voltaire "

"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn't be able to stop throwing up." Woody Allen, American comedian (born 1935)

With all of the scandals surrounding televangelists, they have decided that they need to come up with a new code of ethics for the televangelists. I thought the they had a code of ethics. It’s called the Bible! What ever happened to that? Do we really need to write down “Thou shalt not play the pirate and the slave girl in cheap motel rooms”? -Jay Leno, 1988.

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)

Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert EinsteinGod is subtle, but he is not malicious. -Albert Einstein.

Whenever morality is based on theology, whenever right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established. -Ludwig Feuerbach, philosopher (1804-1872)

You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. -Anne Lamott, writer (1954- )

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)

Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)

When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt. -Robert T. Pirsig, author and philosopher (1928- )Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb

Lord, grant that we may always be in the right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds- Scottish prayer

If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz

Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure. (author unknown)

Black holes are where God divided by zero. – Steven Wright

All religions must be tolerated... for... every man must get to heaven his own way. ~Frederick the Great

God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him? ~Martin Buber

There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. ~George Bernard Shaw

I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. ~Doug McLeod

I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. ~Author unknown, from a stand-up comedy routine on television

Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. ~Author Unknown

In some awful, strange, paradoxical way, atheists tend to take religion more seriously than the practitioners. ~Jonathon Miller

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ~Saturday Night Live, Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts”

Impiety, n.: Your irreverence toward my deity. ~Ambrose Bierce


Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing "Does not!" ~Author Unknown

I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~D. Dale Gulledge

The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really. ~Paula Poundstone

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? ~Jules Feiffer

And we have saved the best for last…

Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. ~George Bernard Shaw

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Henry Phillips - Standing On The Shoulders Of Freaks

Henry Phillips

Quote: “What I take from life, I give back through my art. So far I've taken nothing but crap."

Henry Phillips writes touching music, then attaches outrageous lyrics to it. Not since Ray Stevens has anyone managed to make people laugh through a song with such style. Like all good comedians and philosophers, Henry finds humor and metaphors in new places and is unapologetic in his works. But then, there is no need for him to apologize given the fact that what he says has this nasty tendency to be true.

In his honor, I would like to introduce you to the song of his that I favored most. It is also our song of the week.

Henry has been featured on Comedy Central, Jimmy Kimmel and is often heard on the radio on Bob & Tom. Always fun, and definitely worth a listen.

If you want to learn more about Henry, check out some of his work and get tour dates, visit his site at http://www.henryphillips.com/.


Lyrics to my favorite Henry Philips Song...

Standing On The Shoulders Of Freaks

Ancient philosophy was framed by prodigies;
Aristotle, Plato, and Socrates.
And even though their thoughts were deemed
the aristocratic voice,
They also had a thing for little boys.

Catherine the Great, so it's been said,
Needed large animals to be fulfilled in bed.

From historic rulers,
To the ancient Greeks,
We're standing on the shoulders of freaks

"Isn't life pretty?" Ernest Hemingway once said,
And then he put a bullet through his head

Salvador Dali's surreal paintings were godsent,
You'd never know he ate his own excrement.

Then there's Da Vinci, for whom it required
Dressing in women's underwear to be inspired.

From the great romantics,
To the ancient Greeks,
We're standing on the shoulders of freaks.

Truman Capote, needless to say,
Would be intoxicated 20 hours a day

From the modern authors,
To the ancient Greeks,

We're standing on the shoulders of freaks

For More from Henry, try these links...






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Finding The Emmy On General Hospital - The Emmy APB

in rewatching the episodes from this past week on Soapnet, I got inspired. This poem is a special nod to GH for cunningly inserting the Emmy award into EVERY set on at the start of the week. Some people found it pretentious and said it was "overkill", but I found it to be fun and funny. Where else do you get to see a broacast version of "where's waldo'?

APB for the Lady Emmy

The Lady is shiny, golden and lean.
Here is a list of where she's been seen...

In the front seat of Claudia's car
She shone as bright as a morning star.

She was noticed outside Jax and Carly's home,
She stood on their front porch, all alone.

Miss Emmy was seen in a holding cell,
I wonder what she did to end up in jail...?

At Stone Cold's apartment she was able
To watch Spin diddle Maxi from Jason's pool table.

She was spotted in the foyer of Kate's domain
And watched both couples dueling (again).

Then, over in Anthony's expensive hell-pit
On his bookcase the lovely Emmy did sit.

She later showed up in Lulu's room,
And watched her wrap herself in doom.

She hid out with Robin on the floor
Behind the nurse's desk so Anna could score.

The only place I was unable to find her
Was at Jake's snuggled next to bottles liquor.

After being seen on the bureau in Johnny's place,
It's safe to say PC is Emmy's home base!


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Flood Survival Kit (too funny!)

This was sent to me via email and I just had to share it. I don't know who wrote it or if the pic is copyrighted, so if anyone knows its origins, please feel free to let me know and I'll gladly give credit

Flooding Survival Kit

Toilet Paper........................................ check

Bud Light........................................... check

Keystone Ice........................................ check

Budweiser.................................. check

Red Dog............................................. check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol...................... check

Piece of plywood to float your old lady and booze on ........ check

















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M. Night Shyamalan's "Lady In The Water"

Lady In The Water

I am not going to pretend, mainly because there is no reason to. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! Some people were not thrilled with M. Night Shyamalan’s summer installment of 2006, but I was. Here’s why.
I am a writer. Anyone who is a writer, or truly loves the written word, will see the beauty of this movie. It’s a bedtime story. Who doesn’t love a good bedtime story?***

Actually, this is a bedtime story within a bedtime story. Using the fairytale-epic-bedtime story formula, Shyamalan takes us into a world that is familiar to all of us and shows us, through this ordinary world, that it is not only okay to enjoy a bedtime story, but on some level, it’s okay to believe in the magic of them.
Shyamalan artfully takes the little everyday things like lumps in the lawn, sprinklers going off when they shouldn’t, odd neighbors, and the things that go bump in the night, and weaves them into a beautiful story that encourages you, not necessarily to believe, but to not be afraid to believe. That is the subtle moral of the story.
The other not so subtle moral of this story is profound and fully relatable to anyone who ever asked the question, “Why am I here?”



It is simply this:

1. Find your purpose.

2. Don’t fight your purpose.

3. Fulfill your purpose.

It may not look like your role in life is big, but in combination with the people and events in your life, your part is critical, and the story cannot have a happy ending without everyone playing their part.
In essence, this movie says that we are all necessary. In a time where all of our favorite movies seem to be about pirates, superheroes, people with guns as body parts, carnage, body counts, and slapstick, it is nice to sit and watch a movie that suspends reality and embraces it all at once. And in true M. Night Shyamalan style, he manages to surprise us, make us laugh, and make us hold our breath. And when it is all over, you breathe again, you have a little knowing smile on your face, and you are thinking.
If you wonder what it is you will be thinking about…well, then you best watch the movie.
***(If you answered “I don’t”, get off my blog page.)
For more about this move or to purchase, head on over to Amazon.com (my favorite place for movies & books). Use this link:

Lady in the Water

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A Little About Rie Sinclair

Rie’s first full album was released last year - “On The 5th Floor” features her songs heard on General Hospital. She is a contract musician for ABC and I personally feel that there was no way that they could top Rie Sinclair.

Her music as a haunting, poetic beauty to them, not only in the music, but in her lyrics. The emmy nominated songstress weaves a beautifully poetic fabric that you can almost reach out and touch, and she punctuates it with her soulful voice with a soft, but defined edge.

Her magic stems and flourishes from the fact that with her entirely unique lyrics, smooth and somewhat melancholy sound, she is unlike anything I have heard before, but she makes it all so familiar. She leaves me feeling like someone has walked through the hidden parts of my mind and heart, and carefully spoke (or sang as the case may be) it out loud when I couldn’t find the words.

The following lyrics are from her song “Already Over”, which is a nothing short of a soulful journey through the grief of loving and not knowing if you are losing. It’s a soft gentle ballad, but Rie delivers it with a tone that says, “Yes, this hurts, but I am not a doormat. So what’s it going to be?”

Well, years play and memories stay and now I believe
That my heart will simply fall apart in to so many pieces…
Will you turn around & tell me its already over?
Will you tear my heart up & tell me how sorry you are?
…Is it safe to love you?

She balances the truth of love, both good and bad. With a perfect combination of the maturity of one who has had their heart broken, and the wide-eyed innocence that we all had before we found out that love can be painful Rie Sinclair will lead you into your own dreams of love as well as remind you of the heartbreak that you outgrew. She is absolutely seamless. Visit her sites to get a sample of what her sound can give you.

Her first CD, Glow, is available at Amazon.com. She can also be heard on iTunes and Purevolume.com.
Want to get it? Click Below to purchase from Amazon.com

Glow

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Eddie Izzard - The Original Executive Transvestite

Eddie Izzard – The Original Executive Transvestite

Born on February 7, 1962, to British parents who were in Yemin on business, Eddie Izzard has lead a life less ordinary and he’s done it with his own sense of style.

Yes, he is/was a transvestite, and he has been known to dress in drag on many occasions (although not as much lately). He is not gay. He describes himself essentially, as a male lesbian. When he’s been asked why he wear’s dresses or skirts, he has said that women can wear pants whenever they want (for heaven’s sake, the GAP actually advertised “boyfriend” pants for women), so he can wear a dress when he wants. Fair clothing for all! I can hang with that.

Eddie first appeared on the stage in London’s West End in 1993. Now, 14 years later, Eddie Izzard has had three Emmy nominations (two of which he won, which was a surprise to Chris Rock as well as David Letterman’s writers, who lost to Izzard), An Oliver Award nomination, two British Comedy Awards, a Tony Award nomination and best of all, John Cleese declared Eddie to be the “Lost Python”, which, I personally feel, is the highest praise any comedian could ever attain.

While Eddie virgins might be a bit stunned by Eddie’s appearance, he has a knack for putting people at ease in very short order. The first time I ever saw him was on Dress To Kill and when I saw him I immediately prejudged him and was expecting nothing but gay and drag queen jokes. Eddie flushed that notion rather quickly. After informing us that he is an Executive Transvestite, straight, and shares where he kept his makeup hidden when he was a kid, he then proceeds to teach us about world leaders, puberty, losing his virginity, the Bible, history, and even gave us a French lesson. I don’t speak French, but he did a whole chunk of his act in French and I understood it, not only that, but I actually laughed.
Eddie is wonderfully accessible, highly educational and just flat out fun. There is a fearlessness in the way he carries himself, and in the movie and stage roles that he chooses, as well as the topics that he covers in his stand-up acts. He is amazingly relatable.
Presently, Eddie has a TV show on TNT called The Riches, where he and his family of modern day gypsies are in the process of literally stealing the American dream. The humor of the show is dry, but quite present, and the performances by Eddie and Minnie Driver, not to mention the actors who play their children, are solid and compelling. I love that the TV audience is giving this show the chance to succeed because the story potential is practically unlimited. And Eddie’s ability to play a con is absolutely seamless and beautiful to watch. If watching The Riches is your first introduction to Eddie, then his stand-up routines will stun you. His intelligence is ever-present in everything he does…no matter how different the characters may be from one project to the next.
His movie credits include Ocean’s 12, Ocean’s 13, My Super Ex-Girlfriend, The Wild (where he brilliantly gave his comedic talents to a Koala Bear (and he stole the movie in much the same way that the Penguins stole the show in Madagascar), and currently you can catch him as Reepicheep in The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian. For more on his list of credits, check him out on http://www.imdb.com/.
Eddie Izzard is a man who is not above taking chances by any means, and his execution of those chances makes him nothing short of radiant. His approach to life, being who he really is, the state of the world, and acting are a bright example of what embracing your own individuality can do for you. Eddie simply is who he is, and if you don’t like him, he will still go on being exactly who he is. And the fact that he is so comfortable in his own skin gives him a great deal of credibility, and makes his performances resonate with authority, open humor and a matter-of-factness that keeps you coming back time and again. Where else are you going to find someone who refers to certain fruits like oranges and pears, as “Stalinist”.
My two favorite performances are “Dress To Kill” and “Definite Article”. I have all of his concerts on DVD except for Sexie. Get them. Watch them, Learn from them. He’s the only person I know of who noticed that the empires of old took over entire countries with the “cunning use of flags” and explained the process perfectly. Just to give you a taste of what’s been on Eddie’s mind over the years, here are some of my favorite quotes.

Quotes on:

Drugs…

“If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.”

History…

“I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.”

“So in Europe, we had empires. Everyone had them - France and Spain and Britain and Turkey… The Ottoman Empire… full of furniture for some reason. And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for $@ck all! Yes, all they did was slowly collapse like a flan in a cupboard.”

“So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naïve, I feel!”

Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two… well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we!?”

“"Every free citizen of the world is a citizen of Berlin and so I say to you all 'ich bin ien Berliner'".. and the crowd went $@ckin' wild. Trouble is.. “ich bin ien Berliner” means “I am a donut.”.”

Dating…

“I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.”


General observations:

“I'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees... putting on make-up when you're up there!”

“Never put a sock in a toaster.”

“Who has ever heard of an evil giraffe? “I am an evil herbivore. I shall eat more leaves from this tree than I should. I will eat all of the leaves from this tree, so that other giraffes may die”.
Health…

“How’s that maneuver coming along Dr. Heimlich?”
“Well, not so well at the moment... it’s more of a gesture.”

Myths…

“I’m Robin Hood! I rob from the rich and give to the poor! Are you Rich?”
“No…no, I’m comfortable”.
“Well that won’t do. I can’t steal from the comfortable and give to the moderately impoverished.”

Eddie just proves to me that stand-up comedians like himself are the true modern philosophers of our times. Like Plato, Aristotle and Socrates, the look at the way the world works and how everything functions in it, and they manage to smile wryly and take note and deliver a verbal shrug that makes us laugh at the insanity, and in some cases, the stupidity of it all. Thanks to people like him, the old adage of “If you can laugh at it, you can live with it” holds.

Want more Eddie? Try these links!

Dress to Kill
The Riches - Season 1
Eddie Izzard - Glorious
Eddie Izzard - Definite Article
Eddie Izzard - Circle
Eddie Izzard - Unrepeatable

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