My daily workout

My Daily Workout

Physical exercise is good for you. I know that I should do it daily, but my body doesn't want me to do to much, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exercise.
You are invited to use my program without charge.

01) Beating around the bush
02) Jumping to conclusions
03) Climbing the walls
04) Swallowing my pride
05) Passing the buck

06) Throwing my weight around
07) Dragging my heels
08) Pushing my luck
09) Making mountains out of molehills
10) Hitting the nail on the head

11) Wading through paperwork
12) Bending over backwards
13) Jumping on the bandwagon
14) Balancing the books
15) Running around in circles

16) Eating crow
17) Tooting my own horn
18) Climbing the ladder of success
19) Pulling out the stops
20) Adding fuel to the fire

21) Opening a can of worms
22) Putting my foot in my mouth
23) Starting the ball rolling
24) Going over the edge
25) Picking up the pieces
~~~~
Whew! What a workout!
I think I'll exercise my caution now, and sit down.

Santa's Ode

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits.
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees,
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

A Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin

A Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow

Buttered rum and mistletoe

Christmas trees and hanging lights

The sound of carolers fills the night

Shopping hours long and hard

Visa phones and cancels card

Unpaid bills and mounting debts

Family gathers; depressions sets

Drinking starts, harsh words are said

Dysfunction rears its yuletide head

Argument turns to shovin'

Drunken brother punches cousin

Tree tips over, popping lights

Curtains catch, house ignites

No one hears the reindeer cries

Wedged in chimney, Santa dies

Though he kicked and did perspire

His chestnuts roasted on an open fire

And Even MORE Random thoughts

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when Im trying to finish a text.
Was learning cursive really necessary?
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
Bad decisions make good stories
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when Im trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Just Plain Funny Pics & Captions Pt. 4

An IM conversation from Inside the cubicle walls...

What you are about to read is an actualy conversation that I had with co-worker. Upon rereading it, I came to the conclusion that any semblance of sanity that a person may have is sucked up of them upon entering the wonderful world of office cubicles... which are simply padded cells with no doors. The follow is just a sample of the lunacy that ensues when confined to theses odd cells for prolonged periods of time. NOTE: The names have been changed to protect the insane.

HER: i'm over here talking to myself
ME: i do that ALL the time.
ME: so it means that you are now as crazy as I am.
HER: right, exactly
ME: welcome to the club my dear. with full membership you get full access to insane notions, sarcastic reflex responses to others and really neat pencil cup.
HER: sweet!!!!!!
HER: i'm proud to be a member
ME: we'll get you your membership card and teach you the secret handshake at the next meeting.
HER: dork, lol
ME: that's it. you're out of the club.
ME: return your pencil cup right NOW!!!!
HER: FINE BY ME!!!
ME: I have x-ray specs...i can see right through you.
HER: yeah...well...i got nothin'
ME: yeah, now. but you could have had it all, but oh-no! you had to go and get all mean and snotty.
HER: i do what i want
ME: WELL MISS SMARTY-PANTS, NOW YOU CAN DO IT WITHOUT A PENCIL CUP!!!!! SO THERE!! PBBBLLLTTTHHHH!!!
HER: i don't even use pencils
ME: YOU STILL NEED THE CUP YOU FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!
HER: no really i don't
HER: heehee
ME: Except for that part where you really DO!!
HER: except for that part where........i don't give a shit about the pencil cup!!!!!
HER: lol
ME: yes you do. so shut up.
HER: no you shut up
ME: no you shut up.
HER: no no after you
HER: jerks first
ME: you....times infinity!
HER: i suddenly feel 12 again, it's amazing
ME: well, not to go all junior high on you, but you started it.
HER: you need to "coin" that phrase
HER: fo reals
ME has changed her status message to “HER needs a guidance counselor.”
ME: (snicker snicker)......
ME: giggle giggle.......
HER: hahaha
ME: hee hee hee hee....
ME: ha ha ha hahahahahahahahah...
ME: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HER: that's a whole lot o' laughs lady.
ME: AND THEY ARE AT YOUR EXPENSE...WHICH MAKES THEM EVEN BETTER.
HER: kiss mah arse
ME: present it....if you can get it thru the cubicle entry that is...
HER: oh no you didn't
ME: no...i didn't...except for that part where i did.
HER: lol
HER: re re (retard)
ME: damn skippy! and PROUD of it!!! Now give me back my helmet...i gotta get to school and the short bus will be here any second.
HER: hahaha, that's awesome...

HER: i just saw your status message....turd face
ME: LOL!!!! that's why i was laughing so hard.
HER: ok hyena
ME: you're the retard who took over 10 minutes to notice it.
HER: fair enough
ME: if i change your name, can i use this conversation in my blog?
HER: absolutely, haha
ME: AWESOME.

How to Be Annoying

* Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

* Drum on every available surface.

* Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

* Staple papers in the middle of the page.

* Ask 800 operators for dates.

* Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.

* Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

* Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

* Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

* Set alarms for random times.

* Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

* Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

* Honk and wave to strangers.

* Dress only in clothes colored
Hunter's Orange.

* Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

* Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

* ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

* only type in lowercase.

* dont use any punctuation either.

* Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

* Pay for your dinner with pennies.

* Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

* Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."

* Light road flares on a birthday cake.

* Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

* Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

* Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

* At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

* As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

* Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

* Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.

* Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

* Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

* Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up!" and repeat.

* Drive half a block.

* Name your dog "Dog."

* Ask people what gender they are.

* Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."

* Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

* Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

* Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

* Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

* Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

* While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

* Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

* Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

* Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

* Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.

* Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

* Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

* Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

* Wear a LOT of cologne.

* Ask to "interface" with someone.

* Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

* Sing along at the opera.

* Mow your lawn with scissors.

* At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

* Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

* Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

* Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

* Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".

* Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

* Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

* Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

* Never make eye contact.

* Never break eye contact.

* Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

* Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

* Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

* Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.

* Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

* Make appointments for the 31st of September.

* Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Dear Penthouse Lyrics - Tim Bedore

Dear Penthouse

Im a freshman at a Northwestern University
and I never thought something like this would happen to me
When my teacher with the dynamite ass,
asked me to stay after class, and she started to undress
I cant belive the statemenet she made.
"If you drop your pants I'll raise your grade.

Dear Penthouse

I never thought those letters were true untill
I was on a fishing trip and I met a girl named Jill
We had a little too much to drink
I couldnt belive what I was starting to think
So we headed to her tent
Theres nothing like eating out
although the next morning my breath still smelled like trout

Read every issue sence 1974
The first 2 years behind the bathroom door
I poured over every penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said Id go blind....

Dear Penthouse

Im a first class seaman at an overseas navel base
Its been ten long months sence ive seen a womans face
When I saw your recent issue
I took a box of Klennex tissue
and I locked the barraks door.
Thanks to you ive gotten a grip.
Please excuse my jerky penmenship !

Read every issue sence 1974
The first 2 years behind the bathroom door
I poured over every penthouse I could find
Even though my mom said Id go blind....

Summary & truths Of Life....

Summary of Life

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.. ..
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional..
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . .. having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

The Flying spaghetti Monster... My new Favorite Religion...

The Flying Spaghetti Monster...

The more you read about us, the more you're going to be persuaded that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the true creator and that FSMism is the Best. Religion. Ever. Go ahead, try us for 30 days. If you don't like us, your old religion will most likely take you back. Unless it's the Jains, whose feelings are easily hurt." - Bobby Henderson

"Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today's fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM's devout followers, aka Pastafarians? Some say it's the assuring touch from the FSM's Noodly Appendage. Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in Pirate-Speak and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church's flimsy moral standards, religious holidays EVERY Friday, and the fact that Pastafarian Heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano?"- The Gospel

This is the group for all of the Pastafarians out there who worship the almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, or those who wish to convert to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism. Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, discover the truth about our creation, become a Pastafarian!!

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was 'ARRRRGH!'" - PIRATICUS 13:7

What do we stand for?
All that is good!!
What are we against?
All that isn't good!!

For more, here is a quick overview of Pastafarianism: http://www.venganza.org/flash/guidetopastafarianismpreloaded.swf

With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshippers, the Church of the FSM is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents - mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs.

Some claim that the church is purely a thought experiment, satire, illustrating that Intelligent Design is not science, but rather a pseudoscience manufactured by Christians to push Creationism into public schools. These people are mistaken. The Church of FSM is real, totally legit, and backed by hard science. Anything that comes across as humor or satire is purely coincidental.


The Gospel According to FMG

These are the direct words of our Noodly Creator from his Gospel:The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster


1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.

2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices, And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.

3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.

4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go Fuck Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.

5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B*******.
6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):

A. Ending Poverty
B. Curing Diseases
C. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.

7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?

8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.

All Puns Intended - Another Brilliant E-mail From A Friend

Generally, I don't go for puns. I find them almost as annoying as knock-knock jokes...but some of these are actually funny! Enjoy!

ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ..... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

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