Socks For Turtles - Update!

Original "Socks For Turtles post: CLICK HERE

I am proud to say that our cause is gaining ground (so to speak). black socks with a red ruffle...do you see how proudly and boldly our beloved turtle friend steps out into the world with his newfound confidence!?!
SCORE ONE FOR THE FASHION UPRISING!!!! That's one small pair of socks for turtles, one giant footie for the animal kingdom!!!!

Clogs For Cows - The Next Phase Of The Fashion Revolution

Horses get shoes, but cows don't. Why? What is it about horses that make them worthy but not the noble moo-cow? That's right, I said NOBLE, and I meant it!!! They quietly go about their day, munching on grass, and chilling out, not doing much to anyone. They supply us with milk, making magnificent foods possible, like cheese, yogurt, and ice cream. They supply us with meat... GREAT meat. Steaks and brisket can be nothing less than a succulent gift of unfathomable proportions. And leather... belts, shoes, coats. They give themselves over to us completely and don't put up much of a fight about it. Cows love us. Yes, they do. Look at all that they give to us...their entire selves are sacrificed so that we may enjoy their beefy goodness, and they do so freely in utter obedience to their religious beliefs.

According to their holy book “The Book Of The Divine Bovine” the sacrifices they make to serve mankind assure their place in Bovinia (Moo-Cow Heaven).
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“And thou shalt surrender thyselves up, and shall be the centerpiece of the blessed people's celebrations upon the fourth day of the seventh month of each year.” - II Bovines: 12.5

“For upon mankind's celebrations of fortune, thou shalt be sources of succulent joy, and thou shalt warm their bodies and adorn their feet in beauty and wrap their mid-sections in grand style. Thou shalt encompass their necks and wrists with cool hipness, and be much praised upon the earth.” - Leatherians: 8.4

All of this ... and we don't even give them shoes? It's a travesty! A TRAVESTY I SAY!!!

I wish I could pretend to be shocked by our thoughtlessness and disregard for these self-less, sacrificial animals, but given that we have yet to give the chicken it's propers, I can't even pretend that this behavior of ours comes as a surprise. But whether we are amazed or not is moooooot at best. The time for shock is past. It is time for action. And so begins the next great movement in animal rights... Clogs For Cows!

Clogs are the ideal fashion accessory for the gentle moo-cow. Easy to put on and take off, and there are plenty of fashionable options since clogs can be carved and shaped into almost any trendy form. No need to nail them into place...which is just barbaric...but that's another issue for another time.

Just think of it... our bovinesque friends wearing a nice pair of clogs...or even the uber-thick flip flops with a nice flower on the top. Give the cows that sense of flash and flare that they so richly deserve! How can you be still as the bearers of our grandest attire, sweetest meat and dairy goodness are left out in the cold (or absurd heat, depending on the season) with bare hooves and no evidence of their fashion sense. For heaven's sake people, THEY EVEN GIVE US THEIR CHILDREN FOR VEAL! IS A PAIR OF $10 CLOGS SO MUCH TO ASK??? If you do think it is too much to ask, then you, my friend, are chock full of bovine fecal matter.

Socks For Turtles! The Fashion Uprising Begins!

by Abanna Cheshire

A perfectly brief but reasonable dissertation on why turtles should be required to wear socks...

In a nutshell...it's because of their distinct disregard of the importance of pedicures, which is why their feet are so ugly....
There is an aesthetically unpleasing factor in regards to the feet our friends, the turtles, due to their inability to utilize nail clippers. which is why they hide in their shells. This is the primary issue at the core of the turtle population's mass inferiority complex, and why they never leave their houses...they just carry them wherever they go. They are downright agoraphobic because of it. They live in a state of fear and shame, under an umbrella of ridicule. A colleague pointed out to me that their little portable houses don't even come close to covering their feet while in transit! As a result, their shame is perpetuated.

I'm taking up their cause and campaigning for socks for turtles! I shall not rest until every turtle has his or her choice of knee socks, ankle socks, or those footies with the little pom-pom balls on the backs!!!

WHAT DO WE WANT?!? SOCKS FOR TURTLES!! WHEN DO WE WANT 'EM?!? NOW!!!!

NOTE: Fishnets and pantyhose will not be accepted as a compromise seeing as they do nothing to fix the problem since you can see through them. Plus the turtles would look tacky and/or cheap in them. I patently refuse to launch the careers of a bunch to turtle sluts.

In the immortal words of Patrick Henry (or someone like that) "GIVE THE TURTLES SOCKS, OR GIVE THEM DEATH!!"...Editor's note: this mantra was not very popular with the turtle population at large and therefore it has never really caught on. However, the sub-conscious manifestation of this is apparent in the repeated attempts at suicide by wandering around on back roads and highways trying to get run over.

The Turtle Fashion Diva has spoken! And throughout the land, with God as my witness, I swear that the turtles shall NEVER be barefoot again!!! At the very least, we should supply these poor creatures with tubes of foot cream and some nail polish.

The heartbreak continues...

COMING SOON...The Dust Bunny Liberation Front: A Call To Arms!

For the latest update on the SOCKS FOR TURTLES campaign, click here.