Sloths - Shoes and a Shot...

The sloth. Now there is a VERY mellow dude in the animal kingdom. Never seems to be in a hurry… always chillin’ in the shade. Now, that might seem great to some, but have you considered that the sloths themselves are not that way by choice? I took it upon myself to try to look at this from the sloth’s point of view and I had an epiphany. They have no hustle because they have no equipment to give them that jolt they need to get moving.

It’s so simple, that I can’t believe the world hasn’t figured out! Sloths mostly eat leaves. That’s not exactly the most energetic diet. They move at a rip-roaring speed of about 15 feet per minute, have about a quarter of the muscle of other mammals their size and they only potty once or twice a week. With the exception of many teenaged humans (and a shocking number of adults), I am not presently aware of many other mammals that are this way.

So…my solution to getting the sloths up and moving at fantastical speeds, thus shaking up the animal kingdom, is as follows. We shall go into the jungles of South America, and seek out the sloths and give them an ample supply of Air Jordans. Then just stand back!! They will be up and around and moving at a breakneck speed of 20 to 30 feet per minute! They’ll come down out of the trees more often cuz all they will need to do is jump down, potty and then spring right back up into the tree without any trouble at all. I saw the commercials for Air Jordans! Those things make you jump really high! Did you see what they did for Michael Jordan??? They'll love it! And since the sloth is quiet by nature, even the name of the shoes, "sneakers", will endear them to the notion even more! Also,given the bad rap that sloths have received thus far, I don't think "loafers" will be a hot ticket to them.

Now, for the ultimate add-in... the missing ingredient that will make the sloth move like lightening (comparatively speaking). Red Bull! That's right! give them sneakers and throw in the Red Bull and sloths will be able to FLY!!! I don’t know about you, but I really want to see that! To make things really interesting, let’s help them further by starting their days off with a double shot of espresso and a laxative!! Air-born sloths with total constipation reversal may not sound like a great plan to you, but they will be helping to fertilize the South American rainforest, thus encouraging new growth. My plan is, therefore, environmentally sound.

No longer shall the sloth be viewed as the lazy critter of the animal kingdom. They shall no longer be mocked by the other animals because now the noble sloth will be able to catch their tormentors and kick their asses. In a few generations, people will wonder why “sloth” is one of the 7 deadly sins, because being active seems like a good idea. The zealots will, of course, decide that being active is a sin and they will then have to sit down and shut the hell up …so everyone wins in the end…all because someone had the presence of mind to see to it that the sloth has some nice Jordans and plenty of caffine and sugar… and in the end…isn’t that what we all want?