NOTE: BEFORE YOU CONTINUE TO READ, I JUST WANT TO INFORM ALL THE READERS WHO HAVE INQUIRED THAT ROWAN ATKINSON IS NOT DEAD (09/16/2009)
The following is from a performance given by Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) a number of years ago. Rowan, dressed as the Devil enters and welcome everyone to hell...and shares the rules and regualtions for newcomers...
The Devil: All right then...Hello, nice to see you all again. In case you haven't noticed, and to many of your's surprise ... you are now, in hell. I am the Devil, but you can call me Spike if you like. We like to keep things a bit informal here, as well as infernal.
Welcome all. We have a saying for all newcomers. Yesterday, was the last day of the rest of your life.
Now, you are all here for...(checks clip-board) eternity, which I hardly need to tell you, is sort of a long time, so you'll get to know everyone pretty well by the end. But for now, I'm going to have to split you up into groups.
Before we move on, are there any questions???
No, although there is a resemblance, this is not Los Angeles. Any More? ... Yes?...
No, I'm afraid that we don't have any toilets here. If you had read your bible, you might have seen that it was damnation, WITHOUT relief. So if you didn't go before you came, I am afraid you are not going to enjoy yourselves very much. Of course, I believe that that's the idea.
Oh yes, I do have one bit of good news for you ... that we have finally been able to put an end to all your junk e-mail.
Any other Questions?
No, we're not splitting you into smokers and non smokers...This isn't
Right then, lets split you up then. Can you all hear me? Can you hear me at the rack? Alright.
Murderers over here. Thank you. Looters and pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them... ...and Lawyers, over there please.
Fornicators...if you could step forward. MY GOD, there are a lot of you. If I could just split you into groups...Adulterers , and the rest.
Adulterers...If you could form a line behind that tiny guillotine.
Masturbators...could you give them a hand?
S & M fans. You can take any spot you like. Think of this as your slice of heaven.
Americans...are you here??? I do apologize, but it seems that God had a bit of a fight with your founding fathers and damned the entire race in perpetuity. He sends particular condolences to Mormons, who he realizes put in a lot of work. That's the way the wafer crumbles.
The Iranians, I'm afraid can't be with us. Someone has been holding them in purgatory for a very long time.
Sodomites, could you back up there against the wall.
Athiests...Athiests over here please ... You must be surprised as all hell.
And, hmmm, Christians...Christians, are you here? Ah yes, I'm sorry, but I am afraid the Jews were right.
Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and masseurs, could you just take a pew at the back with the methodists.
Now you're the lot that used to kill whales, is that right? Ah yes, I must remember, I have some strips to tear off of your bastard hides.
Golfers ...Golfers ...Can you step up and place your balls on the table?
OK, can I have all the husbands who had flatulence problems down wind by those huge vats of baked beans ... Thank you
Members of the oil Cartel...could you line up behind them please??? Now lets see if you can control the gas output.
Now all those of you who saw Monty Python's Life of Brian ... I'm afraid he can't take a joke after all.
One more thing. We are trying to implement some kind of exchange scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Harold as I like to call him. Some of you will travel up and have a day in heaven...and we will be having some angels down here. Now I hardly need to tell you that in heaven you will be expected to behave in an exemplary manner, now, so I hope you do the exact opposite. Tear off their wings, and use their halos for Frisbee practice.