Funny Realizations

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people
die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are
removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of
the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who
said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists
--- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired
visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over
you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration...