Take on Religion
NOTE: This is a list of quotes from all kinds of perspectives from multiple people. There is something here for almost everyone…please understand that the intent here is to just show what different people think. I am in no way saying that any of these are right or wrong, I just happen to find them interesting.
Dane Cook – “I was riding in an elevator and this guy got on with me, and as we are riding this guy sneezed…..after a second I looked at him and said, “Uh, God bless you,” but I said it with a tone that said “Cover your &*%$#!@ mouth”….now I said “God bless you” and not just “bless you” because, I’m not the Lord. I don’t have that kind of power.” So anyway, this guy looks at me like I’m garbage and says “I’m an atheist”. So I asked him, “What is it that you believe?” He says, well, I believe that when I die, I will be returned to the earth and make the ground fertile, and then some day a tree will take root and grow from that soil and I will become a beautiful tree.” And here is what I think of that…ok, you grow into a tree….then one day some big burly lumberjack comes along and chops down the tree, and it goes to the mill where they put that tree into grinder….eventually he becomes paper, and once he becomes paper….WE PRINT THE BIBLE ON HIM.”
Jim Gaffigan – “I like for everyone to feel comfortable, which is why I want to talk to you about Jesus…(and you’re all thinking) he better not! Wouldn’t it be awful if I got struck by lightening for that? The next day you’d be telling your friends, “He told a Jesus joke and got electrocuted. It was the BEST show I’ve ever seen”.”
Jim Gaffigan - Where did we get our ideas for celebrating Easter? Can you imagine…?
Person 1: “Hey, Easter is coming, the day the Lord was raised from the dead. What should we do?
Person 2: How about eggs?
Person 1: What does that have to do with Jesus?
Person 2: (Shrugging) All right, we’ll hide them.
Person 1: I don’t follow your logic.
Person 2: Oh, don’t worry. There’s a bunny.
Marc Maron: “…He died young, so he never really got the chance to become bitter. Suppose he hadn’t died young…let’s say there was a third testament to the Bible. Jesus is about 50 or 60 years old, he’s got one apostle left, the book would open with Jesus standing knee deep in water and yelling back at the shore to his one apostle “I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!”
Lewis Black Live -Every Sunday, I turn on the TV and there is always a preacher reading from the Old Testament, which is the book of my people….the Jewish people. And that book, wasn’t good enough for you Christians…was it? You said “No! We have a better book with a better character, you’re gonna love him!!!” But every Sunday there is a preacher reading from my book, and interpreting it. And their interpretations, I have to tell you, are usually wrong. You don’t see Rabbis on TV interpreting the New Testament, do you?--
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." --Voltaire "
"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn't be able to stop throwing up." Woody Allen, American comedian (born 1935)
With all of the scandals surrounding televangelists, they have decided that they need to come up with a new code of ethics for the televangelists. I thought the they had a code of ethics. It’s called the Bible! What ever happened to that? Do we really need to write down “Thou shalt not play the pirate and the slave girl in cheap motel rooms”? -Jay Leno, 1988.
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert EinsteinGod is subtle, but he is not malicious. -Albert Einstein.
Whenever morality is based on theology, whenever right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established. -Ludwig Feuerbach, philosopher (1804-1872)
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. -Anne Lamott, writer (1954- )
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)
When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt. -Robert T. Pirsig, author and philosopher (1928- )Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb
Lord, grant that we may always be in the right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds- Scottish prayer
If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz
Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure. (author unknown)
Black holes are where God divided by zero. – Steven Wright
All religions must be tolerated... for... every man must get to heaven his own way. ~Frederick the Great
God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him? ~Martin Buber
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. ~George Bernard Shaw
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. ~Doug McLeod
I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. ~Author unknown, from a stand-up comedy routine on television
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. ~Author Unknown
In some awful, strange, paradoxical way, atheists tend to take religion more seriously than the practitioners. ~Jonathon Miller
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ~Saturday Night Live, Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts”
Impiety, n.: Your irreverence toward my deity. ~Ambrose Bierce
Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing "Does not!" ~Author Unknown
I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~D. Dale Gulledge
The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really. ~Paula Poundstone
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? ~Jules Feiffer
And we have saved the best for last…
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. ~George Bernard Shaw
Visit My e-store!
www.bentwiredandstoned.com
Jewelry - because chocolate doesn't last forever...
NOTE: This is a list of quotes from all kinds of perspectives from multiple people. There is something here for almost everyone…please understand that the intent here is to just show what different people think. I am in no way saying that any of these are right or wrong, I just happen to find them interesting.
Dane Cook – “I was riding in an elevator and this guy got on with me, and as we are riding this guy sneezed…..after a second I looked at him and said, “Uh, God bless you,” but I said it with a tone that said “Cover your &*%$#!@ mouth”….now I said “God bless you” and not just “bless you” because, I’m not the Lord. I don’t have that kind of power.” So anyway, this guy looks at me like I’m garbage and says “I’m an atheist”. So I asked him, “What is it that you believe?” He says, well, I believe that when I die, I will be returned to the earth and make the ground fertile, and then some day a tree will take root and grow from that soil and I will become a beautiful tree.” And here is what I think of that…ok, you grow into a tree….then one day some big burly lumberjack comes along and chops down the tree, and it goes to the mill where they put that tree into grinder….eventually he becomes paper, and once he becomes paper….WE PRINT THE BIBLE ON HIM.”
Jim Gaffigan – “I like for everyone to feel comfortable, which is why I want to talk to you about Jesus…(and you’re all thinking) he better not! Wouldn’t it be awful if I got struck by lightening for that? The next day you’d be telling your friends, “He told a Jesus joke and got electrocuted. It was the BEST show I’ve ever seen”.”
Jim Gaffigan - Where did we get our ideas for celebrating Easter? Can you imagine…?
Person 1: “Hey, Easter is coming, the day the Lord was raised from the dead. What should we do?
Person 2: How about eggs?
Person 1: What does that have to do with Jesus?
Person 2: (Shrugging) All right, we’ll hide them.
Person 1: I don’t follow your logic.
Person 2: Oh, don’t worry. There’s a bunny.
Marc Maron: “…He died young, so he never really got the chance to become bitter. Suppose he hadn’t died young…let’s say there was a third testament to the Bible. Jesus is about 50 or 60 years old, he’s got one apostle left, the book would open with Jesus standing knee deep in water and yelling back at the shore to his one apostle “I USED TO BE ABLE TO DO THIS!!”
Lewis Black Live -Every Sunday, I turn on the TV and there is always a preacher reading from the Old Testament, which is the book of my people….the Jewish people. And that book, wasn’t good enough for you Christians…was it? You said “No! We have a better book with a better character, you’re gonna love him!!!” But every Sunday there is a preacher reading from my book, and interpreting it. And their interpretations, I have to tell you, are usually wrong. You don’t see Rabbis on TV interpreting the New Testament, do you?--
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." --Voltaire "
"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn't be able to stop throwing up." Woody Allen, American comedian (born 1935)
With all of the scandals surrounding televangelists, they have decided that they need to come up with a new code of ethics for the televangelists. I thought the they had a code of ethics. It’s called the Bible! What ever happened to that? Do we really need to write down “Thou shalt not play the pirate and the slave girl in cheap motel rooms”? -Jay Leno, 1988.
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse. -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods. -Albert EinsteinGod is subtle, but he is not malicious. -Albert Einstein.
Whenever morality is based on theology, whenever right is made dependent on divine authority, the most immoral, unjust, infamous things can be justified and established. -Ludwig Feuerbach, philosopher (1804-1872)
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. -Anne Lamott, writer (1954- )
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. -Christopher Morley, writer (1890-1957)
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction. -Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)
When people are fanatically dedicated to political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt. -Robert T. Pirsig, author and philosopher (1928- )Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. -- Russian Proverb
Lord, grant that we may always be in the right, for thou knowest we will never change our minds- Scottish prayer
If you talk to God, you are praying. If God talks to you, you have schizophrenia. -- Thomas Szasz
Businesses may come and go, but religion will last forever, for in no other endeavor does the consumer blame himself for product failure. (author unknown)
Black holes are where God divided by zero. – Steven Wright
All religions must be tolerated... for... every man must get to heaven his own way. ~Frederick the Great
God made so many different kinds of people. Why would he allow only one way to serve him? ~Martin Buber
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it. ~George Bernard Shaw
I still say a church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence. ~Doug McLeod
I believe in God; I just don't trust anyone who works for him. ~Author unknown, from a stand-up comedy routine on television
Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. ~Author Unknown
In some awful, strange, paradoxical way, atheists tend to take religion more seriously than the practitioners. ~Jonathon Miller
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." ~Saturday Night Live, Jack Handey, "Deep Thoughts”
Impiety, n.: Your irreverence toward my deity. ~Ambrose Bierce
Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing "Does not!" ~Author Unknown
I am treated as evil by people who claim that they are being oppressed because they are not allowed to force me to practice what they do. ~D. Dale Gulledge
The wages of sin are death, but after they take the taxes out, it's more like a tired feeling, really. ~Paula Poundstone
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? ~Jules Feiffer
And we have saved the best for last…
Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. ~George Bernard Shaw
Visit My e-store!
www.bentwiredandstoned.com
Jewelry - because chocolate doesn't last forever...
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