Word-play

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

8) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

9) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

10) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

11) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

12) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

13) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

15) Procrastinate Now

16) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

17) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

18) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on.