Fatal Beatings - Rowan Atkinson

NOTE: BEFORE YOU CONTINUE TO READ, I JUST WANT TO INFORM ALL THE READERS WHO HAVE INQUIRED THAT ROWAN ATKINSON IS NOT DEAD (09/16/2009).

Headmaster: Well now, Mr. Perkins. It was good of you to come in. I realise that you're a busy man, but I didn't think this matter could be discussed over the electric telephone.

Mr Perkins: No. No, absolutely, Headmaster, I mean, if Tommy is in some sort of trouble, then I'd like to nip it in the bud.

Headmaster: Well, quite frankly, Tommy is in trouble. Recently his behaviour has left a great deal to be desired.

Mr Perkins: Dear.

Headmaster: He seems to take no interest in school life whatsoever. He refuses to muck in at the sports field. And it's weeks since any master has received any written work from him.

Mr Perkins: Oh, dear me.

Headmaster: Quite frankly, Mr Perkins, if he wasn't dead, I'd have him expelled.

Mr Perkins: I beg your pardon?

Headmaster: Yes, EXPELLED! If I wasn't making allowances for the fact that your son is dead, he'd be out on his ear!

Mr Perkins: You mean he's dead?

Headmaster: Yes... He's lying up there in sick bay now, stiff as a board and bright green, and this is, I fear, typical of his current attitude. You see, the boy has no sense of moderation: one moment he's flying around like a paper kite, and the next moment he's completely immovable. And beginning to smell.

Mr Perkins: Well, how did he die?!

Headmaster: Well, is that important?

Mr Perkins: Why, yes, I think so!

Headmaster: Well... Well... Well, it's all got to do with the library, you see. We've had a lot of trouble recently with boys taking out library books without library cards. Your son was caught, and I administered a beating, during which he died. But you'll be glad to know... You'll be glad to know that the ringleader was caught, so I don't think we'll be having any trouble with library discipline. You see, the library card system...

Mr Perkins: I'm sorry...

Headmaster: ...was...

Mr Perkins: You beat my son to death?

Headmaster: Yes, yes, so it would seem. Please, I'm not used to being interrupted. You see, the library card system was introduced...

Mr Perkins: Well, exactly what happened?

Headmaster: Well, apparently, boys were just slipping into the library and taking the books!

Mr Perkins: No, during the beating!

Headmaster: Oh, that? Well...well, one moment he was bending over, the next moment he was lying down, I mean, er...

Mr Perkins: Dead?

Headmaster: Mmm... deadish! ... Mr.Perkins, I find this morbid fascination with your son's death quite disturbing. What I'm talking about is his attitude! And quite frankly, I can see where he gets it from.

Mr Perkins: Well, it wasn't me that beat my son to death!

Headmaster: Well, that was perfectly obvious to me from the first day he arrived here. I wondered then, as I wonder now, if he might not have turned out a very different boy indeed if you had administrated a few fatal beatings earlier.

Mr Perkins: Are you mad!?

Headmaster: I'm FURIOUS! In order to accommodate the funeral, I had to cancel afternoon school on Wednesday!

Mr Perkins: This is preposterous!

Headmaster: Yes, it is. Or at least, it would be...if it were true.

Mr Perkins: ...What?

Headmaster: I've been joking, Mr Perkins. Pardon me, it's my strange academic sense of humour. I've been pulling your leg.

Mr Perkins: Oh, thank God!

Headmaster: I wouldn't cancel afternoon school to bury that little shit!