Thursday, July 30, 2009

How To Torment Telemarketers

NOTICE: All suggestions have been tested and approved for use on
telemarketers. No animals were harmed in the testing.

1. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you
asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many
people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are
married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal
questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is
Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a
real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and
keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most
fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and
Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have
any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can
you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to
marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just
give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and
they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer,
set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her
if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call
him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers
cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want
anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and
you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold.
Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your
leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if
they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should
probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up
. . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

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