1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat I said, "Mom, they weren't
trying to teach you how to swim.'"
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating
a slow learner."
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty
and that's the law."
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest
to tallest What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the
16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of
Congress... But I repeat myself."
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
-A. Whitney Brown
18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give
you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've
thought of that!'"
20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease"
--Unknown, presumed deceased