100 Things To Remember - By Tim Wilson

I had a crazy uncle that was on his deathbed a long time ago,
he said "BOY... there's a hundred things in life every man needs to know to
survive... and here's 39 of em'"

a virgin don't never drive a z-28
never bet the ranch on your prostate
if it's got an adams apple its probley a man
never trust a gay gypsy with the palm of your hand

she didn't accidently get good in bed
you can't join a church if your already dead
a work uniform ain't totally nude
brim and bass ain't seafood

when theres guns in the house one better be yours
don't be naked next to any fishin' lures
if theres girl scout cookies she's a little too young
if you say I do... be the ugly one

don't ever let a bald man borry your comb
never play strip poker in a nursin' home
don't blame your pall bearers cuz they don't show
if your buried in the middle of the super bowl

let people borry money they'll leave you alone
never fry bacon without a shirt on
never spray water on a hornets nest
a woman rarely aces the drivers test

the sign probly don't really mean massage
never threaten anybody in camoflauge
say you love her til she lays down the butcher knife
never put the move on the bosses wife

she's messin' round on ya if yer briefs don't fit
never trust a hitch-hiker to babysit
Cosmo's never in a happy home
you can't cut a deal with a kidney stone

a politician ain't got an HMO
washin' her hair means she don't wanna go
don't ridicule a biker bout' his tatoo
you been married nine times... hell maybe its you

Doom ain't the same as donkey kong
if he's wearing high heels you mighta raised him wrong
the clinic ain't the best place to pick up dates
don't rent a room from a man named Bates

a tank tops never on a billionaire
Stevie Ray Vaughn missed a note here and there
how many get to heaven noone knows
but hell will be asses and elbows

and then he died... crazy fool rolled over and DIED! and never did tell me
what them other 61 things were... so if anybody out there knows... how
bout gettin' ahold of me at tim wilson dot net.