10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
and last but not least...
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
The LEAST Popular Halloween Treats
The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts
1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2. Teeth removing Taffy
3. Metamucil in a straw
4. Ex-Lax Brownies
5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8.Chocolate Covered Prunes
9. A Handful of Red Man
10. Anything that ticks!
1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
2. Teeth removing Taffy
3. Metamucil in a straw
4. Ex-Lax Brownies
5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
8.Chocolate Covered Prunes
9. A Handful of Red Man
10. Anything that ticks!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
How to pee politely
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach
Good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?'
Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after dinner.'
THE TEACHER FAINTED..... ........
Good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute, I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Peter, how would you say it?'
Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for
once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have
to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get
to meet after dinner.'
THE TEACHER FAINTED..... ........
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Clogs For Cows - The Next Phase Of The Fashion Revolution
Horses get shoes, but cows don't. Why? What is it about horses that make them worthy but not the noble moo-cow? That's right, I said NOBLE, and I meant it!!! They quietly go about their day, munching on grass, and chilling out, not doing much to anyone. They supply us with milk, making magnificent foods possible, like cheese, yogurt, and ice cream. They supply us with meat... GREAT meat. Steaks and brisket can be nothing less than a succulent gift of unfathomable proportions. And leather... belts, shoes, coats. They give themselves over to us completely and don't put up much of a fight about it. Cows love us. Yes, they do. Look at all that they give to us...their entire selves are sacrificed so that we may enjoy their beefy goodness, and they do so freely in utter obedience to their religious beliefs.
According to their holy book “The Book Of The Divine Bovine” the sacrifices they make to serve mankind assure their place in Bovinia (Moo-Cow Heaven).
.
“And thou shalt surrender thyselves up, and shall be the centerpiece of the blessed people's celebrations upon the fourth day of the seventh month of each year.” - II Bovines: 12.5
“For upon mankind's celebrations of fortune, thou shalt be sources of succulent joy, and thou shalt warm their bodies and adorn their feet in beauty and wrap their mid-sections in grand style. Thou shalt encompass their necks and wrists with cool hipness, and be much praised upon the earth.” - Leatherians: 8.4
All of this ... and we don't even give them shoes? It's a travesty! A TRAVESTY I SAY!!!
I wish I could pretend to be shocked by our thoughtlessness and disregard for these self-less, sacrificial animals, but given that we have yet to give the chicken it's propers, I can't even pretend that this behavior of ours comes as a surprise. But whether we are amazed or not is moooooot at best. The time for shock is past. It is time for action. And so begins the next great movement in animal rights... Clogs For Cows!
Clogs are the ideal fashion accessory for the gentle moo-cow. Easy to put on and take off, and there are plenty of fashionable options since clogs can be carved and shaped into almost any trendy form. No need to nail them into place...which is just barbaric...but that's another issue for another time.
Just think of it... our bovinesque friends wearing a nice pair of clogs...or even the uber-thick flip flops with a nice flower on the top. Give the cows that sense of flash and flare that they so richly deserve! How can you be still as the bearers of our grandest attire, sweetest meat and dairy goodness are left out in the cold (or absurd heat, depending on the season) with bare hooves and no evidence of their fashion sense. For heaven's sake people, THEY EVEN GIVE US THEIR CHILDREN FOR VEAL! IS A PAIR OF $10 CLOGS SO MUCH TO ASK??? If you do think it is too much to ask, then you, my friend, are chock full of bovine fecal matter.
According to their holy book “The Book Of The Divine Bovine” the sacrifices they make to serve mankind assure their place in Bovinia (Moo-Cow Heaven).
.
“And thou shalt surrender thyselves up, and shall be the centerpiece of the blessed people's celebrations upon the fourth day of the seventh month of each year.” - II Bovines: 12.5
“For upon mankind's celebrations of fortune, thou shalt be sources of succulent joy, and thou shalt warm their bodies and adorn their feet in beauty and wrap their mid-sections in grand style. Thou shalt encompass their necks and wrists with cool hipness, and be much praised upon the earth.” - Leatherians: 8.4
All of this ... and we don't even give them shoes? It's a travesty! A TRAVESTY I SAY!!!
I wish I could pretend to be shocked by our thoughtlessness and disregard for these self-less, sacrificial animals, but given that we have yet to give the chicken it's propers, I can't even pretend that this behavior of ours comes as a surprise. But whether we are amazed or not is moooooot at best. The time for shock is past. It is time for action. And so begins the next great movement in animal rights... Clogs For Cows!
Clogs are the ideal fashion accessory for the gentle moo-cow. Easy to put on and take off, and there are plenty of fashionable options since clogs can be carved and shaped into almost any trendy form. No need to nail them into place...which is just barbaric...but that's another issue for another time.
Just think of it... our bovinesque friends wearing a nice pair of clogs...or even the uber-thick flip flops with a nice flower on the top. Give the cows that sense of flash and flare that they so richly deserve! How can you be still as the bearers of our grandest attire, sweetest meat and dairy goodness are left out in the cold (or absurd heat, depending on the season) with bare hooves and no evidence of their fashion sense. For heaven's sake people, THEY EVEN GIVE US THEIR CHILDREN FOR VEAL! IS A PAIR OF $10 CLOGS SO MUCH TO ASK??? If you do think it is too much to ask, then you, my friend, are chock full of bovine fecal matter.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Alcohol Warnings
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Reasons to allow drinking at work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
The WORST Day On The Job
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy!
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft . Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed ou t of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt..
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 FM in Ft . Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.
So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.
It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn.. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed ou t of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt..
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Hollywood's guide To Halloween
Below, you'll find some "lessons" about Halloween, ghosts, and spooks that you'll only learn from the movie theater!
17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!
10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
and last but not least...
1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!
17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.
16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.
13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!
10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.
8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.
5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*
and last but not least...
1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!
Friday, October 16, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Symptoms Of Bird Flu
Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Economic Stimulus Spending
If you didn't get an economic stimulus payment in 2008, you may be eligible to receive the recovery rebate credit in 2009. Just in case you get a check......
This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses
and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Instead, you can keep the money in America by --
1 spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2 going to baseball or football games, or
3 hiring prostitutes, or
4 buying cheap beer or
5 getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.
Conclusion --
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of Asia?
A. Shut up or you don't get your check.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
• If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, your money will go to China.
• If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to Saudi Arabia.
• If you purchase a computer, it will go to India.
• If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
• If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
• If you purchase useless plastic stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
• If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go to pay management bonuses
and be hidden in offshore accounts.
Instead, you can keep the money in America by --
1 spending it at yard sales or flea markets, or
2 going to baseball or football games, or
3 hiring prostitutes, or
4 buying cheap beer or
5 getting tattoos.
These are the only wholly-American-owned businesses still operating in the US.
Conclusion --
The best way to stimulate the economy is to go to a ball game with a prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day until you're drunk enough to go get tattooed.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Sneezing... the gift that keeps on giving
A man and a woman were sitting beside each
Other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
Wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few
Minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,
Then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold,
The man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman
Sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
Shaking ever
More than before..
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man
Turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've
Sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then
Shudder violently.
Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very
Rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was
Still curious." I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
Other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently
Wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few
Minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose,
Then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold,
The man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman
Sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body
Shaking ever
More than before..
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man
Turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've
Sneezed three times, wipe your nose and then
Shudder violently.
Are you ok?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very
Rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was
Still curious." I have never heard of that condition before" he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Senior Church Moment
A preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation --- no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause..
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city, stands up and proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a
foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'
More sighs and loud applause..
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, ... I will give him sex!'
There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90-year-old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,... 'Screw him!'
Monday, October 5, 2009
Out of The Mouths of First-Graders
All of these are good, but the last one is just priceless!
1. Don't change horses...........until they stop running.
2. Strike while the............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but........................how?
6. Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty.
7. No news is.........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a....................................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...........................math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......stink in the morning.
11. Love all,trust................................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...................... ......pigs.
13. An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.......................pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ...................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's ....................the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.......................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ................see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind................get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than......................................pregnant.
1. Don't change horses...........until they stop running.
2. Strike while the............................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..............Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ....................termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but........................how?
6. Don't bite the hand that..........................looks dirty.
7. No news is.........................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a....................................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new...........................math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ......stink in the morning.
11. Love all,trust................................ me.
12. The pen is mightier than the...................... ......pigs.
13. An idle mind is........................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's.......................pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who.....................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ...................................not much.
17. Two's company, three's ....................the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ......you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.......................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed................get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ................see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind................get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than......................................pregnant.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Oxymorons!
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ? ?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27.Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?
29. Why is toilet paper tiny squares and tissues big squares ? ?
Saturday, October 3, 2009
I Am The Law!
Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, you boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs and Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting.
Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Gas Station Miracle
Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in the car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting."
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in the car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm converting."
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Noah's Ark - the Modern Version
In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the
United States, and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked, and I see the
end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along
with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to
the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
United States, and said: Once again, the earth has become wicked, and I see the
end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along
with a few good humans.
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: You have 6 months to build the Ark
before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -
but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a
sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by
building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to
the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.
They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to
put so many animals in a confined space.
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted
an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to
leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched
across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not
going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
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